The dream... the memories... the love of my life.
Hi... me again...
I just remembered I had a dream the other night about R.G. How random is that? I mean, nothing happened. I was walking out of the store... he was walking in.
I was like, "Woah! R! OMG! How are you?! It's been so long since I've seen you!?"
He gave me hug.
Then I woke up. Random, eh? The last dream I had about him, in the 7th grade, was prophetic.
I don't think this one was. It just doesn't seem like one of those.
Wow, I haven't thought about that 7th-grade dream in a long time. Perhaps I will write about it.
Background:
I had this dream during the time that R and I were becoming good friends. I was "going out" with someone else, and had my eye on B (my hubby). So I had NO INTEREST in R as far as a "relationship" goes. He was a cool guy, though. And I felt like he was beginning to care for me... in a close friend sort of way.
So the dream:
We were standing out on a dock in the middle of a swamp. (Don't ask me what the swamp represents.) We were good friends. Best friends. Then, in the distance, I saw a HUGE wind storm. I was terrified. I was crying, and scared. But he wasn't. He took his coat and put it around me. Then we laid down on the dock, and he laid on top of me, with his coat covering us. (You have to understand, this was not at all in a sexual way. Rather, he was using his body to shelter me from things flying around in the storm.) Finally, when the storm passed, we stood up. He kissed me. Then he jumped into the water and never came up. I looked for him, and I cried, and I called him. But he never came up from the water.
Then I woke up.
The dream stuck with me for several days. I had never had a prophetic dream before; so I didn't recognize what it was.
But that is exactly what happened:
We became good GOOD friends. It was during a very difficult time in my life. My mom was getting remarried. I was just beginning to vocalize my pain and anger towards my dad. (Until this time, I had never told my dad how much the divorce hurt me and how angry I was at him for leaving.)The Lord was reopening wounds so that He could heal them properly. I had lost the only two friends I had ever had because I had become a Christian. And I was just beginning to gain trust in new friends. I felt ugly. I felt rejected by life. And I was a baby Christian, struggling to find God in all this confusion.
And through it all, R was there. We talked on the phone, passed notes in class, sat at lunch together. He made me feel beautiful. Again, not in a romantic way, rather... he made me feel beautiful on the inside, like our friendship meant something to him. And he faught for me. When the other guys in my class were mean, and hurtful, R stood up for me. And then he comforted me.
Hm.
He protected me... like in the dream.
Then... as the story goes... for a short time, we were "in love." From October through February of eighth grade, he was the love of my life. It was romantic. He dedicated songs to me.
Yeah.
Not physical... it was long-distance... but it was... hm... something.
Then, God said "no."
And that was the end.
And I called him. And I cried for him.
But he never came up out of the water.
It still hurts me. Yeah. Wow. I didn't realize how much until just now.
I loved him. Not in the same way I love B... not even close. B is something completely different... completely God.
But there was enough love, and rejection, to cause scars.
I wonder why God orchestrated it.
I mean, that's what the dream was, right? God's way of telling me that it all was in His plan.
But, why? I could have done without that pain.
I'm so glad it ended when it did. Really, I am.
I mean, it was because of this break-up that I began a relationship with B.
Yeah... okay... I'll write about that too...
So after R completely stopped writing, stopped calling, stopped everything, I was heartbroken.
This was the second man in my life that I completely loved and trusted. And this was the second man that left me.
That was it! I was never getting married! I was going to be a career woman. I would be married to my work.
I started studying hard in school. B's and C's were no longer good enough. If I wanted Ivy League, all A's were my only shot. I joined clubs at my school, just so I could be a "well-rounded" student. And I swore off any serious relationships with men. Period.
And so I flirted, with every guy who came across my path. And, I have to say, I was pretty good at it. heh. *good times, good times*
Anyways...
I flirted with Brandon the most. He was safe. I *knew* I didn't want a serious relationship with him. "That was soooo 7th grade." tee hee.
God knows. =)
So I flirted... yeah.. a lot... especially with him.
Then Breakaway came. And I saw a different side of him. He was serious, and sincere, and sweet.
AAAAA! NO!
I told him I was NEVER getting married.
Then 9th grade rolls around. We're good friends now. I don't trust him (just like every other man), but I do lean on him some. I talk to him about R.
He listens... that means a lot.
I tell N. my girlfriend about how sweet he is, and she says...
catch this now....
it's important...
she says...
"Ya know, since 7th grade, you've 'gone out' with several guys [no need to name them here], but through all of them, there has always been B."
*lightbulb*
Yeah....
And that's where it started. That's when I thought, for the first time, "Hm. There could be something more to this guy."
And that is when God began softening my heart, so that He could use B as His healing tool.
That is why I will always love B. Without him, I would be single, bitter, angry with the world (and probably with God).
Instead, I am loved.
So maybe that is why R happened. God used that pain, that hurt, that rejection. Without it I would have never considered "safe" B, and the wounds from my dad would have never been healed by him. And I would never be able to love and trust him like I do now. He is TRULY the love of my life.
Hm.
Wow.
Thanks, God.
Still, I wish I could talk to R... find out why... was I not worth the effort? Yeah... it still hurts. Maybe it's better that I don't talk to him.
I'm so VERY grateful for B. He rescued me.