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Relationships.
Hm.
I think this is my third entry of the day. Slow day at work. And the boss is gone. I'm such a slacker.
Anyway.
I need friends.
Feel like I'm in second grade again - "Will you be my friend?"
Ya know what happened when I asked that in the second grade?
... I'll never forget it...
- Cassidy and Shannon -
... those were the two girls I said it to.
They looked at me with that "who do you think you are - trying to stand next to us, much less talking to us?" kind of look. And they walked off.
ouch.
Defining moment in my life.
So now, in my much more mature, grown-up sort of way, I am asking "Will you be my friend?"
And so far - shot down.
I'm too picky.
There are a couple girls that would be in "friendships" with me, but I'm not sure I want to pursue the relationships. I'm not sure we're going in the same direction.
They're single.
I'm not.
Hm.
They're content to stay in Athens the rest of their lives. Get married. Have kids. Go to COTN.
That is the very thing I am daily running from (although, I seem to only be getting closer to that.)
I don't need more people convincing me of the "wonderfulness" of an average life.
B already does that enough.
Then the couple girls that I would LOVE to begin a relationship with...
They're married...
... and too busy.
Hm.
Last Friday, when B and I were on our date, we ran into an old friend. We'll call him "T."
Well, it turns out T got married a few months ago, to a seemingly really sweet girl. I really like T, and so does B. I mean, T is a lot like J, and B has always liked J.
Anyways...
So T and his wife were "hangin' out" with another *married* couple.
They were leaving the restaurant.
So were we.
They said, "What are you guys doing?"
We said, "We're not sure, maybe going to have coffee at Barnes & Noble. Then maybe to a movie."
Them - "Yeah, we're not sure what we're doing. I guess we'll figure something out."
I said - "Here is my card. I wrote my cell number on there in case you guys ever want to hang out."
No response.
Okaaaaaaay.
Too pushy? Maybe.
*awkward silence"
me - "Well, I guess we're gonna head out."
*relieved agreement*
"Good seeing you!"
"Bye!"
Rejected... yet again.
Walk away, just walk away.
They never called.
Maybe I should have asked them to join us, instead of waiting for them to offer?
I'm always scared of coming off pushy and needy.
Once again... back to Ruth. WHERE IS SHE, GOD?????
In a foreign land.
That's where Naomi found her.
What the heck?
I don't need someone in a foreign land! I have that! I need someone here!!!!!!
*hmph*
In the meantime, I will continue hanging out with my *mom*.
*sigh*
Such a dork.
C, can you please clone yourself? Then you can move to Memphis (a stinkin' 8 hours away), and your clone can come live with me. Yeah, that's a good plan. Let's do that.
Oh,wait!
Would that mean your clone would be pregnant too???
How cool would that be?
Your clone and your clone baby can come stay with me!
Okay... now it's just getting weird.
I'm very lonely.
Very.
Lonely.
I am willing to pursue a relationship, should the right person come along.
But, so far, nada.
Although, I do have to remember that... had we not been roomies, I probably wouldn't have "pursued" a relationship.
So, maybe I should pursue the unlikely.
That's likely, right?
I'm going to Cleveland.
That's it.
That's the answer.
Just run away.
Far, far away.
I don't understand this desire that God has put in my heart.
I really don't.
Cleveland is home.
Seriously.
When I arrived a few Friday's ago (for the Starlite lockin), I felt like I was home.
It's not the first time this has happened.
The first time, I was walking across the Pedestrian Bridge in Chattanooga, as a freshman, with friends, and I thought, "This is the most perfect place ever! The only thing that is missing is Brandon. Some day I will share this place with him, and it will be PERFECT."
The second time, was when we were engaged, and I went up to visit C for Christmas. That was when the Lord began to stir in me to move there.
Then B and I moved there. And it was perfect. I mean, of course not "literally" perfect. But compared to Athens... hm... apples and oranges.
But now, I can't move there. I don't hear the Lord telling me to move there.
BUT MY DESIRE IS FOR CLEVELAND!
"Submit yourself to God, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Am I not submitted?
Doesn't the fact that I am even in Athens show how submitted I am?
Yet, You don't change my desires!
And You don't bring me friends, like you said you would!
And I hate it here!
I'm so lonely!
My husband is a different person!
What the heck?!?!?!?!
As you can see, I am having a really difficult time trusting God right now. Maybe that is why He has not removed this desire - to teach me to trust Him despite what I feel.
Hm.