The list
Umm... yeah... me again.
So when I was in Cleveland, AB told me that one of her mentors (whom B and I met maybe three times during our year there) said that we had been on his heart. In particular, our marriage. He said that he had been praying for us.
I said to AB, "Well, I won't turn down prayer, but things are fine. We are just in an adjustment period. Ya know, moving back to Athens, where B has only single friends - that's difficult. But that will change soon enough. Everything will be fine."
But, even though I want to believe what I told her, I had a tinge of guilt. Somehow, I felt that I was lying to her, or at least not telling her the whole truth.
That feeling has bugged me over the last couple days. And so I decided that it is time to be honest with myself. What IS going on with me and B?
Hm.
The good:
1. He is very sweet to me sometimes.
2. He agrees to have a date night with me once a week. And I think he enjoys it, most of the time.
3. He works very hard and studies even harder to insure that our family has a stable financial future.
4. He is very responsible.
5. He always does what he says he will do (except when it pertains to housework).
6. He loves people, and he shows mercy towards others.
7. He makes me laugh.
8. I know he loves me.
9. I love him.
10. He doesn't expect me to cook dinner for him every night. He's very good at taking care of himself.
11. He holds me at night.
12. He doesn't mind me "burrowing" when I am cold.
13. He doesn't mind that the house is never perfectly clean.
14. He will be a very good father.
The bad:
1. He doesn't believe in me.
2. When I am visibly upset, he doesn't ask me "what's wrong?" Sometimes I think it is because he doesn't care.
3. When it comes down to a decision between me and his friends - recently - his friends win.
4. He doesn't trust me to do things correctly(maybe that goes with #1)
5. He minimizes my successes. "You only worked out for 30min? You shouldn't be that tired." *grrr*
6. He doesn't appreciate what I do for our home (cooking, cleaning, decorating, etc.)
7. He doesn't hold me after sex. That one really hurts.
8. He doesn't want to be with me. He is only with me to keep me from getting angry.
9. He wants to be with his friends. (This, by itself, is not a negative. But when paired with #8... ouch)
Okay... so not too bad... the good outnumbers the bad. That's always a good sign.
The relationship:
1. I can't remember the last time we had a "deep" conversation. It's like he is scared to open up to me. And maybe I'm scared to open up to him.
2. I don't feel that I can be completely honest with him. I feel he is always judging me.
3. We are not each other's shoulder to cry on. We both have other people that fulfill that role.
4. We do love each other.
5. We are very cordial to each other.
6. We don't have those massive blow-out fights anymore.
7. Things are relatively steady - almost monotonous - in our relationships. We no longer have the roller coaster ride we use to have.
So... okay... that's me being honest with myself.
Things are not all peaches 'n' cream. But things aren't as bad as I sometimes feel they are.
Feelings fog reality, at times.
I think we just need to recharge. We haven't had a vacation on our own since our honemoon. And I don't see one happening in the near future.
The bottom line... work, school, church, money, responsibility, friends, stress - all of this has gotten in the way of our passion.
We lack passion. We lack desire. That is what is missing.
Love is there.
Trust is there (as far as infidelity goes).
Passion in gone.
I think we need to restore it.
Welp... I'm off to read articles about restoring articles in a relationship.
What I lame-o I am.
*smiles*