The Letter
"Sometimes I feel lost and alone
Like there's no reason for me to go on.
An empty stage, the world to see
Can you not find some role for me?
Why am I here?
What part do I play?
When I face these fears, you say...
I know the plans I have for you,
A simple role, just for you to do.
I brought you hear this far,
To play the perfect part,
To put you in the place your meant to be
... with Me."
I wrote these lyrics YEARS ago, and yet they seems more applicaple now than ever.
So, here it is... the last entry of its kind... I hope...
Low self-esteem is just another form of pride. It is focusing completely inward, and telling God that you know better than Him.
I can't do it anymore.
I will go insane.
So, I'm writing a prayer... to You, God. Here it is. This is how I feel. And You can do with it as You will. I realize that you know where I am... but I need to know that You have heard it from me. So I'm writing you this letter, and then I'm giving it to you... ALL OF IT.
Dear God,
I would like to start off by saying how much your friendship means to me. You have always been the shoulder I cried on. I love burrowing in your chest and telling you my cares. Jesus, I love dancing with you. There is nothing in life more beautiful than listening to the music of Heaven, and dancing in your arms. You are my hero. You are my life. You are my source of inspiration. You are my lover. You are my God. And I thank you - from the bottom of my heart - I thank you... for simply being there... for simply being.
I would also like to tell you how very sorry I am that I fail to trust you more. I can see the hurt in your eyes ever time I turn to someone else... everytime I turn inward instead of toward you. I am sorry. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you. I'm sorry for every time I have refused to run into your arms. What a silly girl I am to run anywhere else.
I would like to come to the point of my letter...
Now that I am here, I seem to be out of words to say.
I need you to move in my life. I need you to change some things for me.
This year has been very tough. It has. The pains that I thought you healed long ago have resurfaced, and I'm not sure what to do with them. I thought you took care of them. But they are still here, and I am as hurt as ever.
You know the man that YOU told me to marry? Well, it has not turned out like I thought it would. I feel like you have betrayed me. I'm sorry I feel this way, but I told you I was going to be honest in this letter.
This was not part of the bargain.
Haven't I been hurt enough? Is this some lesson you are trying to teach me? I simply don't understand. Are you disciplining me for the sins of my past? Or is this simply a consecuence of those decisions? If so, do the consequences ever end? Can we ever have a marriage that is the way you intended marriage to be?
You know the promise/vision you gave me? I suppose I'll remind you, for my own sake.
You showed me a deep reveen. I was walking a tight rope over it, terrified. Yet I continued to take the next step, further and further away from the edge and towards the middle of the deep hole. Then you showed me a stone bridge that went over the chasm. And you said - YOU SAID - "I have seen your faith, and that you have taken those steps despite your fear. Because of your faith, I will build a bridge so that you never have to fear again."
So where is the bridge? I am losing my footing and about to fall into the reveen. Where is the bridge?
I thought the bridge was B. But he is quickly becoming part of all that I fear.
Where is the bridge?
These are some of the questions that I really need you to answer for me.
When I first got married, even up until six months ago, I loved being married. I thought, though I have never said it to him, that he has taught me a new way to love you. Before the wedding, I thought of you as a father. And, based on the fathers I have here on earth, it was difficult for me to picture you in that way. However, when I got married, and I found the love that I have been missing my entire life, when I looked in his eyes and saw who I was intended to be, I learned a new kind of love. I saw you in a different way. I saw myself in your eyes, and I was beautiful. His earthly loved opened up a completely new demension in my relationship with you.
But now I can see that earthly love slipping away. I no longer see myself in his eyes. I see a tired, desperate, fat, needy housewife who can never measure up. I can no longer see myself at all in your eyes. And I wonder, why would you allow me to have that joy and then take it away?
I don't really want an answer to that last question. I am beyond asking "why." What I need to know is: How do I get it back? What do I have to do to regain that love?
Or is it gone forever?
I just need to know. I cannot live in this suspense the rest of my life. I can not. Please let me know one way or another, so at least I will have proper expectations of my future.
I would also like to ask you about your decision to move us to Athens.( At least, I think it was your decision. I feel as if I could have missed you on that. Ms. Sheilagh says that we are where we are supposed to be, and so I will assume that it was by your leading.)
So my question is this: Does everything have to be this difficult? Is all this difficulty leading up to some great pinnacle of my life that I would completely bypass were it not for this hardship? For that is the only conclusion I can come to as to why you would lead me here and then, apparently, drop me off.
I'm sorry. Allow me to rephrase, for I know that you are here with me. I DO know. I have felt you. I have heard you. I know.
I suppose, what I meant to say was, why would you lead me here and then allow me to suffer... away from my friends... hours away from my only support group? Again, I don't really want to know why, I simply want to know: Where is it leading? Is there a purpose? Is there an ultimate goal you have in mind for allowing all this to happen?
Or is it simply happening because I have not faught it enough? Is it a result of some sin I have commited? Is it because I don't depend on you enough?
What am I supposed to glean from all this turmoil? Is there anything I can do to stop it?
As I have told you, I am very lonely here. And I am not nearly as strong as I thought I was. Daily I become weaker, and I see no end in sight.
I am suffocated by this life, and as I said in the beginning of this letter, I need you to do something about it.
I'm begging you. You are my only hope in every one of these situations. You, quite literally, are my only reason for living. The only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because I know that someday this all will end, and I will see your purposes for me. And maybe, just maybe, today will be the day. And so I get up and get dressed... and live.
But getting up is becoming more difficult. And I see less and less of what you are doing to correct things. Now I realize, that just because I don't see it doesn't mean you aren't doing it. And that is faith.
But I'm out. I have no faith left. I need to see. And I know, "Adulterous generation that cries for signs and wonders!" and I'm sorry. But I need to know you are doing something.
I need you to move in my life. I need at least - AT LEAST - one miracle. And I need it soon. I'm not sure how much longer I can last.
Thank you for sending AB a couple weeks ago. Thank you for sending that book last weekend. Thank you for the little reprieves in the heavy battle.
But I'm asking for more than that. I'm asking for one of two things: Either fight this battle for me, or take me out of it completely.
Finally, I simply ask what Jesus asked in the garden: "Let this cup pass from me." And, still Lord, I add: "Yet not my will, but yours be done."
Again, Jesus, I do love you. And I don't want this in any way to come across as a "Dear John" letter. I'm not giving up on us. (You and I both know that you wouldn't let me do that.)
Rather, it is a plea. I'm pleading, from the bottom of my heart, help me! Be my rescuer! You have been my knight in shining armour so many times before. And I need him again! I need that knight! I need my hero to rescue me!
That is all I ask. Rescue me. Save me. Deliver me... from the battle... and from myself.
I will love you always. You are my life. Please know that I never mean to hurt you, and if this letter has hurt you in any way, please forgive me. I just need you to know. I need you to see where I am.
I need you.
From the depths of my soul and the bottom of my heart, I am forever yours.
Love,
me