Random Thoughts
So in the past two entries, I have told the facts about what has happened over the last couple days. Now, I just need some space to process it all. So that is what this entry is. Watch out! I might get all stream-of-consciousness up in here....
Because I realize now what has been happening - seeing and hearing things in the spiritual realm with my physical eyes and ears - I'm finding it difficult to distinguish between the two.
For instance, the noise outside my window, and the person running around in the shadows of my neighbor's house - an evil spirit or just the kids in my neighborhood?
Two night ago (Wednesday night) my car alarm went off at 3am. At least, I thought it was my car alarm. It was right outside my window. I heard it in my sleep. Then I realized what it was, and I said, "What the heck?!?" and sat up in bed. Within a matter of seconds, the alarm stopped. I looked outside my window, and I didn't see anybody. My car was fine. The next morning, there was no evidence of anybody trying to break in. And even if somebody was trying to break in, why would my alarm just stop? The only way to turn it off is to put the key in the door and unlock the car.
Anyways, it startled me awake. I lay in bed listening for any more noise outside, the dog to bark, anything. The dog never woke up, which I found quite odd. After a few minutes, a prayed my normal prayer, "Lord, don't let anything intending harm enter this house. Post your angels at every entry point, and gaurd our home." Then I turned over and fell asleep.
So, I told B about it the next morning, and didn't think about it after that.
Now I wonder, was that something I heard in the spiritual realm?
Do you see what I mean? I can't distinguish physical from spiritual.
Yet, I really do feel like this is a training time for me. I feel like the Lord is allowing these "little" things to happen so that I learn to distinguish between them, or maybe accept them together as one. I'm not sure.
Just like the Lord has had me sit in silence for the last couple months so that I would learn to distinguish His voice from my own, and from the enemy's. Perhaps now He is doing the same, but on a different level.
Prayer... and God's Word - those are the only ways I will learn.
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I feel too that I am entering into a new relationship with Jen. For the past two Thursday nights, we have just sat and talked about what God is doing in our lives. And last night, her prayers were so right on! (See previous entry) Also, the Lord seems to continually be giving me words for her - of wisdom and of prophecy. I definitely feel God drawing us together in this season.
So there is at least one friendship that He is bringing to me.
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Also, despite all that is going on, I feel a steadiness below it all. On the outside, I feel stressed and overwhelmed. But underneath, in a place that I don't even think I was aware of until now, there are still deep waters. I think I finally am beginning to understand the phrase, "As deep calls unto deep."
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I think what amazes me most about all this is that NONE of it is of my own doing. I realize how arrogant that sounds, but in the past, when I have really grown leaps and bounds in a short time, it was a period in my life when I was in the Word daily. I got up early in the morning to pray, and I fasted.
I do none of these things now. I spend time with God when I'm bored. And I am sooo not in the Word the way I need to be.
Yet, despite my undisciplined prayer time, I constantly feel God's presence. I am beginning to understand "Pray without ceasing." There is a constant awareness that God is near, and that He is doing something in my life.
It is such a humbling experience - to know that God is moving mountains in my life, preparing me for His will, teaching me to lean on Him, allowing me to hear His voice - and all without my doing anything.
I do realize now, though, that the time has passed for me to do nothing. The Word of God is my only recourse now. I have to know it - not just read it. I need to meditate on it, memorize it, break it down, study it. A mere skimming of a chapter so that I can say I've read the Bible for the day - this simply will not cut it anymore. And I am beginning to realize this.
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I'm exhausted now. Emotionally and physically drained. I think I will go back to my work.
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God is so good to me. He's so good. It's beautiful. There are no earthly words.