I should have written this years ago.
Dear you:
You know who you are. I'm tired of you hurting me. I'm tired of you telling me that I am not good enough. I'm tired of never measuring up to your excruciatingly high standards. I'm tired.
When I am at my lowest, you beat me down further than I thought possible. When I would have you love me and take care of me, you fill me with poison and tell me I'm not worth the trouble.
On difficult days, you pretend to comfort me. In reality, you are setting me up for another failure.
On good days, when I am feeling confident, you show me someone who is better than me and tell me I will never be that good.
I hate to do this to you, really. We have been friends for longer than I can remember. I don't even remember when or how we met. But somewhere in that over-crowded Christian school where I was the only kid who had faced that kind of rejection, our relationship formed. You told me you would always be there for me. You told me that we could be life-long friends. You told me that you would always comfort me and that I could always confide in you.
You didn't lie. You have never rejected me. You have always been there for me. I have depended on you for many many years.
But what you didn't tell me is that you are a leech. You forgot to say that you would burry yourself inside of me like some parasite and feed off my fears and insecurities.
Now we are so close that I cannot tell where I start and you begin. That is why when I try to hate you, I end up hating myself.
The other day, I found myself contently listening to conversations of my loved ones, when out of nowhere, you made a grand appearance. I began to long for you - to crave you. I began to think about when I could steal away from the ones that love me, so that I could go satiate this desire I have to be with you - the one who destroys me.
And that is when it hit me.
I don't love you any more.
I don't need you any more.
I have other things... other people that fill the void you once attempted to fill.
I want a divorce from you - a complete, utter separation.
I want to sever any ties you have to me.
I'm leaving you, permanently.
I hope it hurts you. I hope you whither away and die from the pain. You deserve it.I hope you hurt as badly as I do every time you tell me that you are what I deserve.
I deserve so much better.
I am worth so much more.
So this is my final letter to you.
I know you will not leave me alone that easily. I know that you will want me back. I know you will tempt me with promises of love and comfort.
But I know your schemes now.
I know what your "comfort" brings.
Screw you for messing with my life.
So here is how I figure it: You can keep trying to mess with me. I'll send you to my Daddy.
I dare you to tell me I'm not good enough - I'll show you the crown of thorns that prove I'm worth it.
You see, I have learned something about you: You cannot survive unless I am unfulfilled. Your very existence is based upon my unhappiness.
So if I find my fulfillment in Christ, if I am content to rest in Him, you have to reason to stick around.
I know I'll never be completely rid of you. You have been part of me for too long.
But I will no longer acknowledge you. You are officially out of my life forever.
I have another drug of choice, and this one will love me and comfort me the way that I deserve - the way I was created to be loved.
No longer yours,
me