Random thoughts for the morning
A lot of thoughts going through my mind this morning.
I started the day off with a mudslide of thoughts about my dreams last night. Lots of bad ones. I saw N's dad commit suicide in my dream. It was on video, and they were showing it over and over again on America's Funniest Home Video. Then I dreamed I had to sleep in a haunted house. It's wasn't really haunted... just one of those houses that people "create" on Halloween to scare silly people. So as I'm lying there, hands would reach out and grab me. Imaginary ghosts (made from bed sheets and cool lighting) would float up to the ceiling. And, occasionally, my bed would drop a couple feet, giving me the sensation of falling, before I finally remembered that it's all rigged, and nothing could actually hurt me. Then there was the final dream... a really scary one... I had to fight a witch. Not a fake one this time. I won't go into too much detail, but after several different tactics - all which only seemed to make her stronger -I finally found a way that difeated her. The dream ended with my hands all cut up as I jammed a knife into her ribs.
You see? Not pleasant thoughts so early in the morning.
But soon, I moved past those thoughts and into some less tangible ones.
Random thoughts.
B came home from work around 6:30 last night. He ate some pizza (since Tuesday nights are our "official" pizza night), and then he went to take a nap... which he woke up from this morning at 6:50am.
Poor thing. So tired. He has had all sorts of projects and exams due over the last week or so. He hardly gets any sleep.
And so I was left to entertain myself last night.
I was bored with Friends. I've watched my seasons so many times that I've memorized every episode. So I hopped on the computer to play some games. Oh! And I found a COMPETITIVE SOLITAIRE which has rules very similar to mine! (see previous entries).
I made myself stay up until 9pm because I knew if I went to bed before then, I wouldn't go to sleep.
So I think my change in sleep schedule plus the fact that it's SO STINKIN' HOT here made for all the nasty dreams.
So in the midst of all these thoughts this morning... I had this one...
I wish B kept a diary like this one... that I could read.
He is such a surface-y guy. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that he doesn't communicate. On the contrary, I love the conversations that we have.
But...
There are things that I write about in here, that I never discuss with anybody. It's not that I don't want anybody to know... and I have actually invited him to read whenever he wants to... but it's more that my mind is clearer when I write.
Somehow, all these emotions that I can't explain or that I keep bottled up because I'm not sure exactly what they are... become clear when I start writing about them.
And I wonder sometimes if there is something deeper to his happy go-lucky exterior. I wonder... What does he really think about having a baby? How does he feel about the new place? Scared? Excited? Both? Impatient, maybe?
Because when I ask him... his response is almost always... "I'm excited. I can't wait."
But, you see, I want to know more than that.
I want to know what he thinks about when he wakes up in the morning. What's on his mind as he drifts off to sleep at night? During those moments during the day when I see him staring intently off into space, where are his thoughts?
And how does he think of me?
I know he loves me. No doubt about that. I know that he thinks I'm beautiful. I know everything that I'm "supposed" to know.
But what crosses his mind when he sees me across the room? When I'm getting undressed for bed... or dressed for work... and he's watching... what is he thinking?
He never says anything. Just watches.
And I want to say, "What do you think about what you see?"
But, of course, he would say what every good husband should... and I will still be left to wonder.
So, you see, that was one of the thoughts that crossed my mind as I was driving to work this morning.
And this, almost immediately, led me to another question...
Why does he not read what I write?
I have invited him.
He said, "That's okay."
Has he read it before and not liked what he's seen?
That is a possibility. I think I have written some pretty nasty stuff about him in the past. About our arguments... or my feelings towards a certain situation.
Or does he simply not understand that it is more than a tabulation of the days events? That it's emotions and fears and everything I want him to know, but don't want to tell him?
Or, for both of the above thoughts... is it simply that he does not have those deep thoughts? That men don't think the way women do... emotionally and in depth?
Perhaps he really does take things at face value.
And perhaps when he says, "I was thinking you're beautiful" it really WAS what he was thinking.
And perhaps there IS no more depth to his thoughts. Perhaps I DO know what is going through his mind.
But somehow, I find that hard to believe.
And this leads to my final thought for the morning... and the ultimate reason for this entry.
I believe these questions, in and of themselves, are the reason God intends husbands and wives to live together "till death do us part."
Because, you see, when we were dating, I thought I knew everything there was to know about B.
And now we are married... and I learn everyday about things that I never knew... or that I want to know better.
And I believe it will take a lifetime to learn all that is the man I married.
And I must wake up each morning, determined that TODAY I will learn a little something else about who he is. His wants. His desires. His fears and apprehensions. His dreams. And his heart.
And what, if anything, is a better parallel of how we should feel towards God?
That we should wake up each morning so excited about this love, that all we want is to know Him a little better.
That we would ask, "Jesus, what are you thinking?"
And that we would find the same excitement at discovering each new characteristic...
Till death joins us together.