We're not going to six flags this summer... because I'm pregnant.
And what hurts the most
Is being so close,
And having so much to say,
And watching you walk away,
And never knowing
What could have been,
And seein' that lovin' you
Was what I was tryin' to do.
- Rascal Flats
Where to start...
Is there such a thing as pre-pardom depression? If so, I think I've got it.
Although, I'm not sure if you can call it "depression" since it's only been here for a day or so.
Went to the doctor yesterday morning. Took the whole gestational diabetes test. Won't know the results for a few days, but I'm not too worried.
At the end of the appointment, she said, "Okay, see you in three weeks."
"Three weeks? Not four?"
"No, since you're in your third trimester, we'll see you every three weeks for two appointments. Then every other week for two appointments. And then once a week, because you should be getting close."
It was as if she said those last words in slow motion.
"YOOOOOOOUUUUU SHHHHHHOOOOOOULLLLLDDDDDDD BEEEEEEEEEE GEEEEEEEEETIIIIIIIINGGGG CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE"
WHAT?!?!?! I can't believe I'm already in my seventh month!
And so... it put so many things into perspective for me...
...
B went out with the gang last night. They had hot wings and watched a movie. I was invited, but since we had been out until 1:30am the night before, and since I had had a VERY stressful day, and since I AM, ya know, PREGNANT, I declined, encouraging B to go without me, but asking him to be home at a "decent" time.
Apparently our definitions of "decent" differ quite a bit.
I called at midnight, when he had not shown up.
"The movie's almost over," he said.
"Whatever," was my response.
Finally got home around 12:15am. We got in a fight. He said he was sorry and didn't realize it was so late. I told him I was sick of his excuses. There is always SOME reason why it's NOT HIS FAULT that he comes home so late.
I told him to sleep on the couch (something I really didn't mean), which didn't matter much anyways because he wouldn't do it.
I started crying, "Why don't you ever want to come home? Am I THAT unbearable? Do I make it THAT awful?"
"It's not you!" he said "I WANTED you to come with me tonight. I ASKED you to come, and I was DISAPPOINTED when you didn't."
That made me feel better... a little.
We reached an agreement that 11pm is the LATEST he should come home from these things.
He made some smart-ass comment about being 23 years old and having a curfew.
He said he was sorry. And that SHOULD have been it...
SHOULD...
But, you see, I was still very upset... I just couldn't figure out why.
So I went to the medicine cabinet to get some TUMS... and that is when it hit me.
An AWFUL thought.
And don't you DARE judge me.
"I don't want this baby."
Do you know why I was so upset about last night? I was upset that I COULDN'T be with him... because I was tired and pregnant.
And then I thought... this is it... my care-free days of going out with B and the gang, staying out late, having fun... are over.
Tuesday night I went to the 10pm showing of Superman with everybody... something I wouldn't have been able to do with a baby.
I LOVE going out with B. I LOVE spending time hanging out with him and his friends. He has NEVER been a stay-at-home-and-chill kind of a guy, and I REALLY enjoy going with him.
But pretty soon, I won't be able to do that.
And then what?
Then I'll be stuck at home, with a baby, alone... while HE goes out and keeps living his life.
At least that is my fear...
That this baby will take my husband away from me.
That by FORCING me to stay home and be a "mom" I will give up on everything else that I love... especially time with B.
I told B that I was scared that the only time CJ would see her daddy would be when I decided to drag her to wherever he happened to go that night.
I thought, though I didn't say, "I don't want to be a single mom."
Perhaps these fears are unfounded... perhaps.
He says things will change when the baby comes... I said nothing changed, as you said it would, when I got pregnant.
And so he comforted me. He told me I was just having a lot of anxiety and that it's normal.
Then we had hot make-up sex.
=)
And as I drifted to sleep, I thought "Things will be better in the morning. They always are."
But this morning is just as foggy.
I still don't want to face reality. I talked to my boss about getting my license... about how I still want to work...
And I wonder... am I just in denial?
I don't know.
I just feel overwhelmed.
And not at all excited.
And very left behing.
And I have no choice in the matter... no control...
And perhaps that is what bothers me most... I am not in control of my own life.
And is this the beginning of the end?
I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but there is so much more I want to DO before I surrender my entire life to taking care of her. And already she is causing strife between me and be - our schedules, our subject of conversation, our sex - EVERYTHING has changed.
And it's because of HER.
And then there is the guilt... the guilt that pierces me every time I have that thought.
Am I going to be a terrible mom? Because I don't even want the baby that I'm having?
Oh God!
So, you see... it's been a tough 24 hours.
Perhaps the day will get better... or tomorrow will be better.
I will probably delete this entry someday.
Just not today.
Today I just want to cry.