The Brick Wall that is My Husband
I give up.
I don't know what else to do.
Went by the old duplex on my way home from work yesterday. I thought he might be there showing it.
First thing he said to me:
"How did you know I was here?"
"I guessed. Where's your cell phone?"
I had tried calling him three times on the way there.
"I have it. I just didn't want to answer it in case someone came by. It looks unprofessional."
We chatted for a minute about the different prospects that had come by. The ones he like, the ones he didn't like, and the ones that didn't show.
"I'm only waiting for one more. She should be here any minute."
"Well I'll wait with you."
"No, that's not a good idea. You're pregnant and not very professionally dressed."
"What do you mean?! I wore this to work today!"
"Well, I know. But I think I should do this by myself."
"When are you coming home?"
"Well, I'm going to play frisbee. Then I have a study group at the SLC. So it will be late tonight."
*figures*
I didn't say anything. I just turned around, got in my car, and left.
He was at a study group Tuesday night. He stayed at church on Wednesday night until after 9pm, then came home and studied. Then, he decideds to play FRISBEE before going to his study group?!?!
I went home and cried. I understand that he needs to study, and I'm very proud of him for being so diligent in that. But when he has a week like this, when he needs to study this much... DON'T GO TO FREAKIN' FRISBEE! SACRIFICE THAT, FOR ONCE, INSTEAD OF SACRIFICING YOUR TIME WITH ME!
So I sat in my kitchen floor, sobbing my eyes out, and cleaning up the trash can that my dog turned over.
And I decided what I can do...
...nothing.
I could scream.
Been there.
Done that.
I could cry and beg him to change.
But that's never worked before.
I could just get really angry and not talk to him.
But he would just ride it out until the storm blew over - I can never stay mad at him for very long.
I could even try to keep him home by being super sweet, cooking him dinner, washing his clothes, and having a perfect house.
Tried it... to no avail.
No, there was absolutely nothing I could do.
I got up, ate a bowl of cereal and a poptart, watched some TV, and fell asleep.
He called around 8pm to see if I could find his "good shorts" so he could come home and shower before going to the study group.
I got up and did my wifely duty.
Then I went to bed.
He came home, got in the shower, put on his clean shorts, leaned over the bed to kiss me on the cheek, and left.
Got home around 10:15pm because the SLC closes at 10pm. Sat down on the couch and ate some leftovers from last night. (Yes, I actually cooked dinner.)
I got up and went to bed at 10:30pm.
He wants to live like he's single?
Fine.
Two can play at that game.
...
I know this sounds cruel.
But I just can't do it any more.
I can't keep putting my heart out there, and have it crushed each time.
He's not mean... or abusive.
Just negligent.
Sometimes I wonder which is worse.
I arrived at the duplex full of expectations that we would have an evening at home. Figuring he had a study group, I had planned to make dinner for him before he left.
We haven't really seen each other since I got back from Canada, and my heart was ready for an evening with him near.
And he didn't even give it a second thought.
For him, it was the perfect time to go play.
And this happens to me on a regular basis.
I love him.
God knows I love him.
But I can't keep putting myself out there, getting my hopes up, only to have him neglect that I have any hopes at all.
I just can't.
So, having resigned myself to the fact that this may never change, I figure I have two choices...
1. I can leave.
2. I can live with it, and give him the space he wants.
I can't leave. I love him too much, and that would never be an option.
So I'm stuck living with it.
Because I made a decision.
It's all or nothing.
Either he wants a wife and a baby and the life of a married man.
Or he wants to be single and live that life.
There will be no more single life with the benefits of a wife.
I can't do it.
I just can't.
So, since he has clearly chosen the single life, then I will accept it.
That is why I went to bed when he got home.
Leave me alone all evening so you can go play with your friends?
Fine.
But don't expect a warm meal and a happy wife when you get home.
...
Perhaps I'm wrong in this approach. Perhaps the Lord will change my heart.
But until then, I see no other option. As you can see above, I have exhausted my resources.
Talking does nothing.
Any suggestions out there?
I'm all ears.
Because I feel I have hit a brick wall.
I can either keep banging my whole self into it, or I can sit down in front of it and accept that it's not moving.
Any other suggestions?