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I found the entry I thought I lost:
I had my first counseling appointment today. The first one in 17 years.
The beginning was hard.
She wanted to know all about my parent's divorce.
What happened?
How did you find out?
How did you feel?
Were you angry with your dad?
With your mom?
What was your relationship like with your parents growing up?
Was your mom a Christian at the time?
Was your dad?
How did you feel when he let you down?
How often were you disappointed by him?
How do you think that affects you now?
Do you get as disappointed now?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was all a little too intense for my taste.
But, I suppose it's what was necessary.
In the end, she asked me more about my relationship with B.
I don't really want to repeat everything.
I think I need to process some.
But, here is basically what we decided:
I am trying to do too much in our home and relationship.
I don't expect B to do anything, because I would feel too "needy."
This leads to him feeling unnecessary.
He needs to feel needed.
He also needs to have fun.
That is why he goes out with friends so much.
Because I am not fun.
And his friends are.
But I can be fun.
I just have to give up some of the other stuff I am trying to do.
I need to focus my energy and time on my relationship with him.
I need to figure out ways to include him in the day-to-day household activities.
Because he needs to feel needed.
And I need to figure out how to loosen my grip on some "priorities" in my life so that I can have fun.
Hm.
So, there.
I'm not sure how to do any of the stuff she said I need to do. But she said that we will work on it over the coming weeks.
In the meantime, I have to be patient. I can't expect things in my life to change overnight.
B's personality type likes to take things slowly and process changes as before they come.
My personality is to jump in and do it as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Obviously, I'm going to be disappointed if I expect too much too fast, she tells me.
It's hard to hear all this stuff. Because it basically confirms my worst fear - it is all my fault.
BUT that's why I'm in counseling. If I am the problem, then at least I can fix it. If B were the problem, I wouldn't be able to change him.
So, it's just the first day. It was really hard. But I can see that it may lead to future benefits.
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On another note, one of our best friends (B's best man at our wedding) has a serious girlfriend... and I REALLY like her. I have only met her a couple times, and she has gone home for the summer. But I am really looking forward to getting to know her better. It will be SO NICE to have some MARRIED friends down here! And not just friends that we HAVE to hang out with BECAUSE they're married, but friends that we WANT to hang out with, and being married is just a BONUS.
It's very exciting. I want them to be married NOW!!!
hehe... that didn't sound bratty at all, did it?
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Well, I guess that's it for tonight. It's 9pm, and my hubby should be home soon (I hope).
Please keep me in your prayers over these coming weeks. This whole counseling thing is harder than I thought it would be.
Peace out!