"I'm in the Depths of Despair!" - Anne Shirley, Anne of Green Gables
I have started this entry three different times over the last 36 hours.
In light of recent events, I have debated with myself about what to do.
Should I lock my diary?
Should I get a new one and just not tell everybody?
Should I just stop writing online altogether?
And here is the conclusion I have come to:
I will continue writing here, and I will leave it open-access for whomever cares to read.
This is my choice.
It can be your decision to read it or not.
I will not ask if you have.
But I will say this: This is my diary. My personal thoughts and happenings and feelings.
I will not hold back what I'm thinking and feeling because I'm afraid somebody will read it.
As I said before, it is your choice to read. Proceed at your own risk.
Having said all that, here is today's entry:
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I'm really having a rough day today. A couple days ago, I got the email that said AB no longer wanted to communicate with me.
When I read it, I had a peace and I felt okay about that decision. I knew that the Lord would work it out for good.
Now, looking back, I wonder if I was just in denial.
Because it wasn't too much longer after that (last night) when I became very angry. I think, at one point or another, I was angry at every person involved, including (and especially) myself.
I really tried not to go there in my mind. I really tried to just accept that this is how things are and get over it.
But I was pissed off about the whole situation.
It shouldn't have gone down like this.
I should have known better.
I could have made this go differently by changing one line.
I was so angry!!!
But then I woke up this morning, and everything has changed.
I have been choking back tears all day.
I'm so discouraged about how everything happened. I keep replaying it in my mind, thinking about what I should have done differently.
I listen to that CD, and I can't help but think about it all.
Because every time I heard that CD before, I just thought, "I can't wait to give AB a copy of this!!"
And now, it's all I think about when I listen to it.
And since that CD makes me cry anyways... I think I just need to put it aside for a while.
It's the whole cycle of grief thing, I guess.
...
Shock.
Denial.
Anger and Guilt.
Despair and Depression.
Acceptance.
...
I still know that God's going to work it out. I know that all things will work together for everybody's good. I know that.
It's just difficult right now.
Somehow, I feel really lonely today.
Nobody around here knows AB. So for me to say, "I got in a fight with a friend" doesn't really mean anything to them.
They don't understand.
"It's not personal. It's between her and the Lord."
I tried to tell myself that, too.
But it is personal. It's very personal.
And it's just really hard today.
I don't know.
Maybe it's PMS.
Whatever.
I'm just sad. That's all. I'm very sad.
....
I think a few of the girls might come to my house to hang out tonight. That will be really nice. I think I need to get my mind off this whole situation. I need to get my focus somewhere else.
One good thing that happened this week was with BJ's girlfriend. (In the course of our conversation, I found out that she is a huge Anne of Green Gables fan.. . just like me!... so her name will now be "Anne" in the diary.)
She and I have been messaging back and forth via facebook this week, and I really feel like I have found a potentially wonderful friend in her. In my last message to her, I posted:
"....Still, the whole time, B and I were praying for BJ to find someone. First, because we knew his heart about the matter. Second, because we really wanted to have another couple to hang out with!!!
"What I didn't expect to get out of this thing was a person that I really felt a "kindred spirit" with. I didn't expect to find a friend in this person. I mean, I assumed we would eventually become friends because Bryan is our friend, and we would want to hang out.
"Sorry... I'm not usually this sappy. And I hope it's not coming across weird. I guess what I'm trying to say is that **I** feel blessed because BJ has found you! And I can't wait to get to know you better!"
And that is the truth!
We have only met a couple times, and those times have been in the midst of a large group. Needless to say, we have not had much time to get to know each other. Still, she called me last Friday night "just to chat." Isn't that awesome?!?!
I'm really excited about getting to know her better.
I have to say, too, that I am really excited about the fact the BJ has her! We have all been praying for a long time now that he would find that "special" one.
He's not the type to "date around," and his heart was to only become serious with the woman he is supposed to marry.
He is out of school, has a job as a youth pastor in a growing community church, and just bought a house in that area.
He is ready.
We knew he was.
And so we have really been praying for "her" to show up.
And so she has.
At least, that is what I think.
Anyway, I'm just really excited about the whole thing!
........
I think I'm going to try to start focusing on the good things that have happened this week. Mental discipline. Just not letting myself go "there."
Okay... I'm going to distract myself with work. =)
Have a great weekend!