A letter that will never get sent.
Dear W,
I'm really angry with you. Really. You hurt him. No matter who you blame or how you justify it, this was your choice. This was your decision.
So suck it up. Be a man. Stop whining about the fact that he's not talking to you. Despite what you have obviously led yourself to believe, the world does not revolve around you. Your feelings are not the only ones that matter. And when you choose to hurt the people who love you, the people who look up to you, the people who depend on you, then you forfit your right to whine about the results of that choice.
You were his rock. His role model. His mentor. His friend.
He trusted you to care for this family.
But that didn't matter to you. All you could see was your own ego, your own lust, and your own "rights."
What about his rights? The right of a son to depend on his father. The right of a new father to have someone to look up to. The right of a new husband to have someone he can turn to for advice.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE GIVEN UP?
But that's not what really grieves me. Because, as I said, this isn't about you.
What really grieves me is to see him like this. He is loving. He forgives. He strives to see the best in people. Do you know why? Because he has watched you live your life like that, and he has modeled after you.
But what you have done - your selfish choices - have led him here.
Unforgiveness eats away at a body. It gnaws at the soul and makes the heart sick. Hatred roots quickly and grabs on to the deepest places. And it grows and festers and chokes out love.
He has never known hatred like that. Until now.
And it's your fault.
I know God can heal. He healed me.
I know God can uproot the bitterness. He did it in me.
But nobody... NOBODY... should have to suffer that process.
Nobody deserves to know that kind of pain.
I pray every day that our children won't know that pain. We work hard so they won't have to endure what we have endured.
Because the thing is, we kids don't get a choice in these matters. No matter how old we get, how logical our arguments, how persuasive our conversations, we don't get a choice.
You and you alone have the power to hurt him like that.
And you did. Do you realize how much?
Of course you do. You experienced it too. You weren't too much younger than he is now.
She wasn't too much younger than you are now.
And I guess that's what I don't understand, W. I don't understand how you can knowingly inflict that kind of pain on your children.
It would be one thing if you were oblivious, if you didn't really know what you were doing.
But you have been in his shoes. You have stood where he is standing. You have felt the pain he is feeling right now.
And you chose to go through with this thing anyways.
So why are you so surprised? Did you really expect him to react differently? Did you think he would come home, put his arm around you and tell you everything is going to be ok?
No, W, that was your job. And you failed.
As I said... suck it up. Be a man. Take responsibility for your own stupid, selfish choices. And stop blaming your son for being angry. He didn't do this. He had no say in this.
This was aaaalll you, buddy. Nobody else.
And for that matter, stop blaming her. Stop blaming the pastor. Stop blaming the church.
They didn't leave. They didn't turn their backs on their family. They didn't "fall in love" with a woman who pulled a gun on your son.
You did that. All. By. Your. Self.
So point the finger all you want. Justify. Rationalize. Tell yourself that you are the victim.
We both know the truth. And so does he.
THAT, W, is why he is not talking to you.
It won't be forever, I hope.
I pray every day that he won't end up like you - repeating the mistakes of his parents.
But, W, give him a break. Let him go.
Trying to guilt him into a relationship with you is only pushing that seed of bitterness further into the soil.
You forfitted your right to that relationship. He no longer has any obligation to you.
You are no longer the head of that household. Unfortunately, that is a role that he was forced into - by whom? Oh yes, YOU.
So take a step back. Give him time to distance himself from this. He needs space from you and from the betrayal you introduced into his life.
He has never known this kind of pain; so give him a chance to feel it. Eventually, it will fade to a dull ache, and then perhaps you will have your chance.
But not today.
So back off.
He will come to you when he is ready.
Not that you deserve it.
But who does deserve forgiveness?
We're all angry right now. The wound is still fresh. So let's nurse those wounds for a little while, let time begin its healing effect.
Sincerely,
Your daughter in law.