Doing things differently
The thing about this whole recent time of depression is: it has forced me to take a hard look at things in my life.
The fact is, I spend a lot of time wishing things were different. But I spend little to no time doing anything different.
This past week has been so amazing. I'm still struggling with doubt and frustration (especially where my work is concerned), but I'm doing a few things that seem to be making all the difference.
1. I'm getting up early enough to write every morning. I can't tell you what a difference this is making my daily outlook. Writing reminds me that I have a voice. I have something to say. I am important. And - regardless of what the boneheads at work think - my existence does matter. I have something to say. I have something to say. I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
I do hope that, someday, the thing that I have to say is a little more significant than my personal feelings or the latest pastry recipe. But until that time, I want to continue perfecting my craft. I'm going to start writing more articles in my morning writing time. I need to build a portfolio.
But even the act of saying that - "I need to build a portfolio" - gives me confidence and freedom. I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. And it's okay for me to dedicate my time - even just 30 minutes a day - to strengthening my voice and clarifying my message.
2. I am not sitting down until 7pm. At least, I'm not sitting on the couch. From the time I wake up in the morning to the time the girls go to bed at 7pm, I am not sitting (or laying) on the couch. When I start to feel that exhausting gravitational pull to those comfy green cushions, I find something to do that is fun and productive. So far this week I have: trimmed the bushes, done an art project, picked up the trash in the backyard (dumb dog), enjoyed the sunshine, and weeeded the flower bed.
I don't even have to do anything productive. One evening, I was absolutely exhausted. But - because of my new goal - I sat on the floor instead of the couch. I can't tell you how many hugs and tickles came from that one move. Something about being on my girls' level made them gravitate towards me. (And the dumb dog jumped on board too, just for good measure.)
3. I am feeling how I feel and telling myself that it's okay. I do feel discouraged and borderline depressed right now. In the past, those emotions would have led me to a slew of eating binges. I would have swallowed those feelings so fast, you would think I didn't have any at all.
But this time I am just feeling it. I cried, a lot. I was frustrated. I screamed into a pillow. I sang sappy songs at the top of my lungs.
But I didn't binge. And that, my friends, is an awesome thing. I'm gaining ground, even when I feel like I'm losing my footing.
So that's it. That's life right now. I have written too long this morning. It's 7:35am, and I still have to shower. Yikes! Luckily, the girls are still sleeping, and I may be able to take a shower in peace for once.
(I really love writing in the mornings. Like, really. Really, really.)