The earth-shattering silence
I am so stinkin' stressed! Sometimes I have to really sit back and remind myself what all this work is for...and sometimes, I can't remember.
I feel like crying, but I honestly can't tell you why. I miss Brandon. At the same time, I'm scared to go home. Scared that something might happen....
This is so hard. Am I making the right decisions? How do I know for sure? Why does all this have to be so complicated?
I know I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing as far as school... I have a total peace about that. But how do I know that I am doing the right things with and for Brandon. It seems like there is always a struggle there. Isn't there supposed to be peace? Will there ever be peace?
Did you ever sit in a room where the silence hurts your head? Where you wish you could whisper, or sigh, or scream at the top of your lungs... anything to break the awful silence that suffocates any attempt to think? That's the silence I'm talking about in our relationship right now. It's like this... things need to be said. Prayers need to be prayed. Hearts need to be opened. Doors need to be closed. But who will break the silence? Oh, don't get me wrong. We talk. We talk about our days, and our plans, and our future marriage, and our friends, and our dreams, and our fears. But... there is still a silence. Not between the two of us... rather... between our souls... our spiritual sides... our innermost beings. Those are the parts that have been silenced. Those are the parts that need to scream out and be heard! Instead, they simply sit in fear of breaking through the thick air and risking the collapse of the entire partnership.
I want to talk to him. To open up everything... to let him know how much I love him... and how much I am afraid of him... and how much I am afraid of myself when I'm around him. I don't want to make a mistake.
But what is the biggest mistake? Not saying anything, and risking a total breakdown in our beliefs... or saying something, and risking a total breakdown in our relationship. Will either of those things ever happen? Something has to happen. It can't stay like this forever. Something is going to change, whether we want it to or not.
3 years is so long. 2005 is so far away. Can our souls survive till then? Can we maintain our distance and still remain so close? Is it possible?
Prayer. *sigh* I know. Prayer. That's so hard to do when I feel so guilty. I'll leave you there, then. At the point of indecision... where there is only one answer... and it is the most difficult one.