Call me mad... I kinda like it
ahhh... procrastination... what a wonderful thing.
I despise it.
Yet I constantly punish myself by doing it.
Is it bad when the procrastination no longer affects me and I adopt a "who cares?" attitude.
I suppose so.
Oh well.
Who cares?
Yeah... so anyways...
Life... is... normal...
Not dull
Not pointless
Yet not extremely intense
Just average, I suppose.
For how long it will remain this way is anyone's guess.
But for now, it's nice.
Yes... nice... what a define-less word.
That's my life.
No definition.
Just... nice.
I'm not complaining.
Oh no.
I rather like it like this.
No real worries.
No constant stress.
No out-of-mind boredness.
Just nice.
So anyway... that's life now.
You know what I want to do?
I want to fall madly in love with Brandon again.
Yes.
As a matter of fact... I think I will.
Right now.
Is it possible to intentionally "fall" into love?
I suppose I should say, "I want to jump madly in love with Brandon again."
Yes.
That's much better.
I love jumping... it gives the impression of suicide... love suicide... how ironic.
Perhaps I'll be lucky enough to hit love and not pavement when I crash to the bottom.
Here's what happens... are you ready for this?
I get scared.
I question him.
I question myself.
I question God.
I question love.
I question.
Then I get tired... no... more fatigued. I can't take the pressure of questions any longer.
I don't want them.
I despise them.
I push them out of my mind.
Then I feel guilty for not allowing my "true" emotions to come out...
For supressing them inside.
Then I berate myself for relying so heavily on my emotions.
Then I cannot go on... I sleep....
Sleep... the answer to a thousand questions.
So, now that I have slept, and am currently under the impression that my questions were answered (although they indubitably were not), I come to yet another decision.
Do I worry myself once again with questions that no one can answer?
Or do I decide, here and now, to once again "jump" into love with him?
I choose the latter... this time.
This time I decide to love him irrationally and without consideration for the future.
Am I mad?
Perhaps.
It's not such a bad way to stand in such a crazy place as human kind.
Love is mad... yes... that is my final conclusion.
I am mad to fall in love... that is my second final conclusion.
And what is the third final conclusion (if a third final is possible... of course it is to an irately irrational person such as myself)?
My third final conclusion is as follows: I like being mad, and I am quite content to stay there (in my madness) as long as my love will allow me.
Perhaps someday something will happen -- God Forbid! -- at which point life will snap her fingers and wake me from my current hypnosis.
Perhaps I will someday experience the pain I was so unfortunate to witness in that young lady (SEE PREVIOUS ENTRY).
Perhaps the love that gave me life will somehow strip it from me and take my soul with it.
Perhaps.... Perhaps....
But until then -- dream on, mad soul, dream on.
I'm going to "jump" madly into love... I'm not going to look back.
When I see Brandon next, I will jump into his arms, kiss him passionately, and not doubt for a second his love.... madly.
I am blessed to know love, be it for a day or for an eternity.
I've decided it's worth the risk... if it has not been worth it to this point... I will make it worth the risk.
This will be one of the most incredible romances in the history of romance, I have determined, and no fear of future pain, be it authenticated or false, will ever blemish what we have now.
That is my resolution.
Call me mad
Perhaps I am
But perhaps I shall know a greater love than you who call me mad could ever dream of... even if that love be in my dreams.
Perhaps I am mad... this time.