Death of the Dream
Yesterday classes started. Yesterday college began again. Yesterday life comences its normality and routine. Yesterday I joined old friends who cajoled me with their yule-time stories. Yesterday I felt their love. Yesterday I enjoyed their teenage mirth. Yesterday appeared to be a normal day.
Yesterday I had one of the most lonely moments of my life.
"I'll meet you for lunch at 12:35, okay?" yelled over my shoulder as I walked into my second class of the day.
"Okay, I may get out early, but I'll wait for you inside." Heather, faithful, good-hearted Heather replied.
I didn't respond to the last statement. It was nothing new. Everyday last semester we had the same plan...
Go to class; head for the cafeteria; find "the group;" talk more than eat; talk about the eating; enjoy college life.
That was the plan, right?
I got out of class just in time to see Ryan and Joey heading for their dorm.
"Hey, guys! Aren't you going to eat?"
"We just did. Where were you?"
blah blah blah... you get the idea...
I ate alone.
Not that I mind the idea of eating alone. On the contrary, it's somewhat romantic.
Sitting in a strange cafeteria, watching hundreds of souls waiting to be discovered, finding no way to discover them, deciding to discover my own.
Oh, no. I honestly didn't mind eating alone.
But just as I sat down at my tilting, wobbly table and began to nibble on my luke-warm black-eyed-peas, it began to snow.
I remember when I was younger, the first snowfall always became a sort of mystical dance in my imagination.
Tiney fairies in flowing white gowns would sweep to and fro as their partner wind gently guided there rhythm with his inticingly icy hands. It was the walz of wonderland, the ballet of beauty, the dance of disillusionment. Such was the wonder of the first snow fall.
Over the years, the fairies melted into little white flakes. The wind became chilled and uninviting. And as all wonder must do, the entire first snow became hollow and ghostly.
Still, every year, at the first fall, my memory of the fairy enchantment would bring a sad smile and a wistful tear.
But not yesterday. Yesterday was the first snowfall. Yesterday the hoary parters died a cold and unforgiving death.
I stared into my peas and felt... lonely. Extremely lonely.
My friends were in their cozy dorms watching their first fanciful flakes.
Brandon was too far away to offer any warmth.
I was alone.
I peered out the window in desperate search of comfort. The icy death had none to offer.
I can't tell you from where this lonliness came, but I know it was the most physically real thing I have ever felt.
My heart hurt... literally.
Perhaps someday I will understand why lonliness is so frightening...
Perhaps...
All I know is that I felt it... deep in my soul... I felt it.
And I was alone.