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I have things to do. Too many. But I can't get into the AMS system that I need. So until JS comes back with the passwords, I shall blog.
When did I become so practical? When did I lose that individual creativity? When did I grow up?
I painted last night. But not what I felt. I painted technically, with tecnique, and labor. When did I stop painting my soul?
I can't remember the last time I wrote a song. I miss my guitar... and the music that seemed constantly to pour out of my being.
My old "real" diaries are full of poetry, longings, dreamings, words deeply felt in places I could not even find.
Then life happened.
My painting are now for decorating - not revealing. They are for people to see, not for me to know.
My music is now a second-hand copy of someone else's. That river dried up.
And my writing... practical, analytical. Not about dreams, rather, about plans and how-to's.
What happened to me? Did I lose who I am? So normal. blah.
Picture me: In work clothes, basic make up, dark professional colors, then jeans, a t-shirt (stolen from my husband) and flip-flops.
Where did I go?
Or is this me?
Ya know? It's like you thought you already went through this, that you already knew who you were.
But then you wake up one morning. And you see what you have become. And it isn't who you thought you were.
I pictured myself one way. Then I looked in the mirror - saw the reflection of my life - and the two don't match.
Where did I go? Or is this the real me?
I suppose I should search. Before I go much further down this path, I should make sure that I know where it ends.
I mean the journey is great and all that... but if it leads to nothing. If it can't tell you who you are... then why take it?
Maybe because it's the path the Lord has chosen.
And maybe that is my answer.
My identity is in Christ.
Wow.
I have grasped a new meaning to "dying to self."
But what if I don't want it to die? What if I want to paint my soul? What if I want to sing the river? What if I DON'T WANT TO BE A GROWN-UP!!!???
*sigh*
My head knows. I know.
I just feel a loss today. I loss for who I was. I longing for who I used to be.
And a knowledge of who I am destined to be.
For better or worse.
So, this isn't for anybody but me. I so very rarely think about that. THIS is what I need to know:
Who am I, according to me?
I am a wife.
I am a daughter.
I am a friend.
I am a child of the Kind, a princess.
I am the one whose life is like a Van Gogh painting.
I am the one who got him out of Athens, at least for a while.
I am an employee, though a bored one.
I am an aunt.
I am a student.
*sigh* That's it. That is all I've got.
But as I sit here, I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me. And so I ask:
How do You see me? Who am I? Where have I gone?
You are my friend.
You are the one I tell my secrets to.
You are my lover.
You are the one I favor.
You are the one in which I put My creativity.
You are a wife.
You are his friend.
You are his link, his connection to Me, for now.
You are my fiance.
You are the one I long to hold.
You are the one I confide in.
You are the one who runs to me when you fall.
You are the one whose tears I love to wipe away.
So...there you go...
I'm off to finish work. Perhaps I will find me there.