It's Nice
So, I'm here at work... when I should be at school. Isn't that odd? As soon as I got here, I regretted the decision. But, maybe it will make tomorrow a little less hectic. Anything to prevent another day like yesterday.
People are so unreliable.
I'm going to dad's house tonight for dinner. Every couple weeks, my bro's and I bring our significant others and have dinner with dad and Paula. It's really nice. I don't know why, but there new house feels more like home to me than the old one ever did.
I think the old house will forever be linked with the awful years immediately following the divorce. My dad and his new wife building a big, beautiful house. They asked me to move in with them, and my new brothers, and their new puppy, with the go-carts, and a really incredible tree house, and the freedom to stay up as late as I wanted. And then there was my mom. During those years - living with her parents because she could not afford to rent on her own. Unloved. Forgotten. Working hard. And terrified her children would leave her like her husband did - choosing something (or someone) else over her. I had a bed time there. I felt guilty leaving my mom even for a weekend in that new house. Then I felt guilty for feeling guilty about spending time with my dad. Then I spent the weekend on an emotional roller coaster, constantly feeling in competition with "the boys" and feeling oh so lonely without any girls.
Funny... one of the highlights of that time was Jenny. And I didn't even know who she was then. But I was desperate for friendship, and she was there. Hm.
So now, in the new house, it's different. My mom is not working; she's going back to school; she is loved by someone again; she has her own home; she is happy. My dad has the job he loves, and Paula has the freedom she loves. And I am no longer torn when I enter his doors. I no longer feel guilty for feeling guilty about feeling guilty... It's just a nice time with my dad - no emotional strings attatched. And the new house holds no memories like the old one did. It's walls don't know about the times I cried myself to sleep in that big room with the king-size bed. The new house is just that - new. A clean slate. Tabula Rasa. You get the point.
It's nice. Finally.
Perhaps that is one of the big reasons I have resisted having kids yet. I mean, we could afford it. I will graduate in a year. We could do it.
But I'm enjoying this time. No tension between the families. No birthday parties to coordinate around soured relations. Nobody getting upset because "He sees the baby more than I do." or "Why did the baby say grandmother before he said granddaddy?"
So, for a few years of my life, I can enjoy my family. I don't have to be the mediator. I don't have to choose. I can just be... a daughter.
It's nice.
I will enjoy it while I can... while I can.
I'm leaving work in a couple hours. Going to his house. I'm glad. I can't wait. It's so nice.