shhhh.......be still

A longing

Friday.

Mmmm... tastes like a weekend.

I am so very excited about seeing C tonight! I wish I could leave now! My spirit literally longs to see her.

On my way home from my dad's last night... I cried... a little to myself... a lot to God.

Right now, I think I can handle the no-friends-in-Athens thing because, if I ever get really lonely, C is just a 3-hour drive away. And it's not a bad drive considering where it ends.

Cleveland...

Mmmm... tastes like home.

But in just a few short weeks, after just a few more short visits, they are moving... to Memphis.

8 hours.

Hm.

I really am happy for them... REALLY! A new baby, a new house, a new life. They will be near family, in the city they love. It's a good move for them. And I HONESTLY don't begrudge the move AT ALL.

But, it means fewer visits. Maybe once a year.

I've NEVER maintained a long-distance relationship.

Although, I've never wanted to so badly.

So... all that to say... I think I'm in a mourning process.

I mean, seriously. I'm doing the whole "cycle" thing.

I'm angry one minute... the next I'm balling my eyes out... the next I'm in complete denial that it's even happening at all!

*hmph*

But... again... I'm not upset with them for leaving... I sooo know this is a God-thing for them.

What I'm upset about is... lonliness.

Now, if I feel lonely, or if I have no plans for the weekend... I go to Cleveland.

But pretty soon... that won't be an option.

And I don't know what I'm going to do.

And so... I cried. I told God...

"By faith, I know you are faithful to your word. By faith, I know you provide all my needs. But I FEEL like you are being unfaithul to your promises. I don't understand you! Where is the Ruth you promised? Naomi didn't have to go pursuing her! Ruth begged Naomi to let her stay! You just supernaturally placed them together in the right place at the right time. Oh God! Where is my Ruth? I'm so lonely. I'm so tired of rejection. Why did you bring me here? Why did you make me leave Cleveland? I am loved there! I am accepted there! I don't have to go looking for friendship because it is dropped in my lap! I don't understand why you brought me here!"

Ms. Sheilagh said that the reason I feel so out of place here is because I have not made that supernatural connection yet.

Well... I made it.

And I still feel out of place.

What the heck?!

And B doesn't understand. He says, "What about so-and-so? Why don't you just make friends? Just call what's-her-face."

He doesn't get it. I'm not looking for friends like he has friends. He has 25 "close friends." I mean, that's great for his personality. To him, a friend is someone you can go have fun with.

And that's great. I need that too.

But, I need more than that. My mom says, "Shared experiences build relationships. It's just going to take time."

The Starlite girls didn't take time.

One weekend. *bam* I feel like I've known them my whole life.

It's a spiritual connection.

That's what I need.

Here.

In Athens.

That is what I am missing.

I don't even feel like I connect with B spiritually.

And my spirit longs for it.

But I don't know how to fill the void.

God is near, I know.

But this is a friend-shaped hole. One that He put there, I'm sure.

So why won't He fill it?

I won't complain like the Children of Israel. I don't want to go back to Egypt.

But I WILL plead my case before God, like David did. I WILL tell Him that I don't understand... and that I feel it is unfair. And I WILL NOT stop praying for this need until it is met.

I know what God promised me.

I know He is faithful to His word.

So I will continue reminding Him... and myself... about His promises.

In the meantime... I am thankful for things too...

1. A weekend with C and nothing to do but spend time with her.

2. A husband who loves me, even if he doesn't always understand me.

3. A family close by. It's so good seeing them.

4. A boss that is dependable and ethical.

5. Fall.

6. Weekends.

7. Costume parties.

8. A God that allows me to cry and be mad - and who loves just as much when I do.