Tons o' Stuff
So, the journey progresses. Baby steps have been taken, and I have to say, they were strong ones.
Things look a little better everyday - and not just in my marriage.
I mean, I feel like I'm finally climbing out of that hole that I've been shoved into over the last few months.
I'm still climbing... still fighting... but I can see the end in sight.
God is moving and doing some amazing things.
And the funny part? (I mean funny/odd not funny/haha) I have been growing this whole time and not even realizing it.
I mean, in the midst of a raging battle, I HAD to hear God's voice. I NEEDED it simply for spiritual survival. And I heard it over all the noise and chaos that the enemy was throwing at me.
So now, when things are semi-quiet again, I hear Him more clearly than ever. It's like, "How did I ever miss it? How did I ever NOT hear Him?"
But, like always, I am utterly amazed at what God is doing "behind the scenes" of this drama I call life. =)
So I'm teaching the girls in youth group tonight. I have been trying forever to get something together.
At first, I thought I would talk about the lovely Ruth - my role model. I have given this "message" many times in many different settings, and God always uses it differently. Each time, while I am in the middle of teaching, He reveals something new about the story. And so I tell the girls... and it is just what they needed... and God knew it.
But this time, I don't feel led to Ruth. Instead, I am thinking about John 9 - the healing of the blind man. But why? I get one chance to talk to these girls about anything I want, and God leads me to the blind man? What does that have to do with boyfriends? and friends? and parents? and drugs? and sex? and all that other stuff that teenage girls need to hear about???
I don't know.
So I took my lunch break today to do some serious prayer about it. Here is how the conversation went:
me - "God, what do you want me to tell them?"
God - "If you could tell them about anything, what would it be?"
I had to really think about that question.
me - "I want to tell them about Your healing... of my heart. I want to show them how to come to You with their pain, and let the Healer move in their hearts. I want to tell them not to go to men, or friends, or cutting, or anything that they think may numb the pain. I want You to heal them."
God - "Then tell them about your healing."
Well, immediately, doubts started running through my mind - or, rather, accusations:
"Who do you think you are telling them about how God healed you? You were not healed! You still struggle with that pain. Think about what happened with B on Sunday. You're not healed."
hehe... I still don't understand how Satan does that.
Anyways.
But God did heal me. He did. I am a completely different person today than I would be had God not healed me.
And the healing is the reason I CAN go on in this marriage. It is the reason I CAN learn to trust B again.
Heh.
So then:
me - "Okay, God. I need an outline, a scripture verse, something to take up there with me."
Him - "I'll tell you what to say."
me - "God, you know I need to be prepared. I can't just go up there and have no idea what I am going to say."
Him - "I'll tell you. I'll show you individual girls, and what they need, and you will tell them."
me - "I've never done that before. That makes me really nervous."
Him - "I'll tell you what to say."
Okay. okay.
So... I'm going to teach 25 teenage girls tonight... only I don't know what I'm teaching on, and I don't know what I'm going to say. And that's the way God wants it.
Funny, God. Real funny.
Who said God doesn't have a sense of humor, eh?
I think I will take my Bible, marked at John chapter 9.... and a basin of water. Who knows what will happen from there?
So... in other news...
I talked with Jen last night to see how she was doing. I haven't talked with her since our conversation about the dream (see past entries), and I wanted to know how her trip with Singers went.
She said she told her mom (we'll call her Bell) about the dream... and how I thought it could represent Starlite.
Then Bell said that there was a lady that she works with who is in her late 20's and has a real heart to minister to young girls. Bell had mentioned in passing something about Starlite (I'm not even sure how much she really knows about Starlite... only what Jen has told her, I suppose), and the lady about jumped out of her socks she was so excited about it.
So... Bell thinks that there is some divine meeting thingy that is suppose to happen among me and Jen and this lady that she works with.
We shall see.
All in God's timing.
I wonder how many times I have written that exact phrase in my diary. I think I will go back and count. I digress.
So, that seemed pretty cool, I suppose.
Then there is BJ. I talked with him this past weekend about Blaze. I said, "I think we are having a problem finding really strong leaders to run this Blaze program. We need a male version of AB, and I'm not sure we have found it."
I didn't say this to him, but I REALLY think he's it. I mean, I recognize the same gifts in him that I see in AB. And he has the heart for youth.
He asked more about the program, like, exactly what happened in it.
I told him, and he said what I thought he was going to say.
"Junior high? You think I'm going to do junior high? Do you remember what I told you about middle school?"
hehe... he has told me, on numerous occasions, that he does not feel called to be a middle school pastor. That is what he is doing right now. He says that he feels like he is supposed to be there right now, but that is not what he is called to do for the rest of his life.
THEN... he has also told me that he would love to START a youth program TO GO INTO THE SCHOOLS and minister.
Tee hee.
So... back to our conversation... I said, "Yes, I remember what you told me. But if you were to run a Blaze program, you would be doing the things that AB does now, and that I would also be doing then."
BJ - "What's that?"
me - "Well, it's a lot of administrative work. You have to manage all the volunteers, and the records, and the finances. There may also be some fund raising involved. And you would have to lead and, possible speak at, the big events. Like, AB speaks at the girl's lock-in."
I thought he was going to fall out of his chair.
BJ - "That is exactly the kind of thing I want to do! I would love to do something like that! When I took the 'strengths' tests, every test I took listed administration as my number one strength."
hehe... I knew it.
And I hear him speak every Wednesday night at church. He is an AMAZING teacher/speaker. I mean, we have a VERY challenging situation in our youth group, and he rises to the occasion every time.
So... all that to say... I'm very excited about how things are lining up.
I mean, I don't know if any of the stuff I just talked about is necessarily a "God-thing." But I do think that, perhaps, it is not coincidence.
Anywho.
I can't believe I just wrote all this. I soooo should be working right now.
Sorry to all the readers out there... this was very random.
So... God is moving. And that's good.
That's all I need to know right now.