I wish I was weightless
I gained 1 lb. yesterday. *dang it*
Well, what should I expect? Chik-fil-a for lunch, 3 pieces of DEEP DISH from Domino's. I mean, c'mon. It's not like I'm surprised.
Anyways...
Today I'll have a bagel for breakfast, a bagel for lunch, and a bunch of coffee. That sounds like a good plan. It's so much easier for me to diet when I am really busy at work. Then I don't have time for a lunch break, and I HAVE to eat something here.
Ya know, I was thinking last night after I went to bed: I struggled with this stuff a whole lot when I first got saved. I mean, it was on a daily basis. I didn't EVER have a day when I felt good about how I looked. I struggled with depression... mild depression, I guess. I mean, it wasn't one of these things where I secluded myself and stayed in bed for days... nothing like that. It was just a constant numbness that told me I was unlovable... and I would never be good enough... or pretty enough... or nice enough... or whatever.
And then I got over it. Like, at some point during those years, it went away. And last night as I was trying to go to sleep, I couldn't for the life of me remember why. What did I do? Or what did God do?... to make it go away.
For some reason, it all seems so clear to me this morning. During that time, I was in the scriptures DAILY. I SEARCHED for scriptures about my worth in Christ. I memorized them. I studied them. And I knew them in my heart. (I've never understood that phrase until just now, by the way.)
I can remember, very vividly, getting into the shower. I HAD to pass a mirror to get in, and I caught a glance of myself in buff. Those thoughts started flooding in... "Who could ever love someone who looks like that? Your life would be so much better if you were thin. What kind of God would create somebody this way?"
And then... I remember... like it was yesterday... I began to fight it. I quoted my scriptures, and I told myself about God's love, and I refused to complain about my looks.
That is the only time I remember doing that. But I wonder how many times it actually happened.
I can see vague changes going on throughout highschool.
I remember, in the 10th grade, having a conversation with B. I told him that I loved my "fluff." I said, "God created women with curves. They are meant to be soft, yet mysteriously strong. The fluff around their belly is to protect their baby. And there is just something different between hugging a mom or grandmother versus hugging a dad or grandfather. Mom's and grandmothers are soft... and comforting. I LOVE that I am a woman. And I LOVE that I have curves.
I'm not sure how I ever came to that conclusion, but I do know this: It wasn't much longer after having this conversation that I began to lose weight.
The bottom line... I treated myself the best... ate the right things... excersized... got enough sleep... got off caffein... ALL OF IT... when I was in the Word, and when I knew who I was in Christ.
Then I came home from Lee. B and I did things we shouldn't have. I mean, I was a "virgin" on our wedding night... barely. I actually thought once that I was pregnant because my mom told me about a girl she knew that got pregnant without actual intercourse.
Anyways... guilt took over. I couldn't pray... and when I did, it was more of an apology than anything. I didn't want to read the Word. I felt so very guilty.
And I ate.
Gained 20lbs. in 12 months.
And when we got married... it didn't stop... the eating, I mean.
I still was... and maybe still am... under condemnation... "You're not a good enough wife. If you cooked better... if you were more demure... if you weren't so strong... if.... if... IF..."
And I never measured up to the thoughts in my head. And that's all they were - thoughts in my head. Nobody said them out loud.
So... here I am today... 60lbs. heavier... and just as low as I was in middle school.
But at least I know what I have to do now. I have to study the scriptures. I have to find who I am... again.
I wish B would read this diary. I think it would give him so much more insight. Then I wouldn't feel the need to explain myself for getting upset.
He doesn't look at me like he used to... and tell me I'm beautiful... while smiling... without my first asking, "How do I look?"
Hm.
I've told him. But I don't think he understands how important it is.
Maybe he doesn't think I'm beautiful.
And maybe that's the reality I have to face.
And that's why... more than ever... I HAVE to find who I am in Christ. Then it won't matter what B thinks.
Wishful thinking? God, I hope not.