Lazy wife...
This morning's English Breakfast tea was not as yummy as Tuesday's seemed to be.
They started offering the Gingerbread latte today that looks absolutely scrumtious. I saw the picture just before I ordered my tea. Perhaps this is the reason the Brittish beverage didn't seem so spectacular. I mean, seriously, compared to Christmas-time flavor-hood? C'mon.
Aunt Flow is super heavy this month. It's so weird. I think I need to go get checked out. One month, I will have hardly any PMS simptoms. If I have any, it is more a weepy quiet type. And my flow is minimal. (Seriously, like 2 tampons a day on my really heavy day.) Then the next month I will be a total beeeeotch with raging hormones, and I go through a tampon an hour on my heavy day. Isn't it right that you alternate ovaries every month? So wouldn't that mean that one of my ovaries is different than the other? Is that normal?
These are questions I would love to ask my girly doctor... when I can afford to see her. Hm.
Anyways...
Last night I got really angry with B. I was sitting playing on the computer, when I should have been studying for today's exam. He was doing homework. And three stinkin' times, the dog had to go out. Seriously, I think he was sick or something. B said, "Pippin needs to go outside."
I said, "No he doesn't. He just went. I think he just wants attention."
The truth was, my cramps were sending messages to my brain that were saying, "DON'T MOVE! DON'T GET UP! DON'T GO OUTSIDE IN THE COLD!"
So B took him out.
Later, he was being really mean to me. Now, you have to understand, when I say really mean, we are talking about B. He doesn't know how to be the standard definition of mean... he's too passive aggressive for that. Instead, he picks on me... "playfully." But I know the difference simply by the way he "plays."
So finally, I said, "Why are you being so mean to me?"
"You're being lazy."
1.) because I didn't take out the dog when all I was doing was playing computer games and he was actually working.
2.) because I didn't study for my exam or do any of my homework.
3.) (in my mind... not his) because I have not done any housework in like two weeks.
So, naturally, I got totally pissed. I mean my PMS Beeeeeeotch was screaming in my head to begin with. And then he has the nerve to... to... talk to ME that way... to... to....
... tell the truth.
*garsh*
As I lay in bed last night, I realized that was why I was so mad. I was being lazy... I have been all semester (in those areas). He was just the only person who had the guts to point it out to me.
I did explain, once we got into bed, that I was having really bad cramps and that was the reason I didn't want to take the dog out.
He said I should have told him that, and he wouldn't have gotten as angry.
But he didn't say he wouldn't have gotten angry at all.
*garsh*
Then I said to him (which I debated in my mind several minutes because he says that any time he gets mad at me about something, I manipulate the situation, turn it on him, so that he ends up apologizing) that it seems funny to me that he NEVER points out the good that I do... all the times that I have taken the dog out, or done my homework, or worked in the house, etc. But the ONE evening that I don't feel good and I don't do what I normally do, he calls me lazy. That didn't seem right to me.
He said, "I told you that you are a good cook."
And then we went to sleep.
*AAAAARGH*
I'm at a loss.
I have told him... numerous times... that my love language is verbal affirmation. I need to know that he thinks I'm doing a good job. I need to hear him say that I am good enough for him. I NEED to know that he doesn't think I'm a bad wife.
But do I hear any of those things from him?
No.
I hear I'm lazy because I don't jump up and take the dog out when he tells me to.
C'mon. Am I just being whiny? Am I asking too much?
I don't mean to manipulate. But I work my butt off to make him happy.
And he can't say a simple, "You're a good wife"????
*deep breath*
I'm getting myself worked up again.
I'm going to go home today and wash the dishes.
That's his job, but his love language is acts of service.
"Choose your battles." -- That's what I told myself last night.
So I will not choose this one... this time.
I will wash the dishes...
... and show him I love him.
The thing about giving real love, is that you should never expect it in return. Then, when it is given, it's a wonderful surprise.
Mrs.Peden told me that on our camping trip.
I thought, "How silly."
Now, I'm beginning to see what she means.
God, is this all there is?
PMS sucks.
I'll be better in a couple days.