Faith like a mustard seed... that's all I can muster
I have the most amazing husband in the world.
Absolutely.
Hands down.
No contest.
I was in tears on my way home from work yesterday. As I was talking with my dad on his cell phone, I felt the tears welling (sp?) up inside of me. All day I had been able to hold them back, but somehow hearing my dad tell me that everything would be okay broke that barrier of strength I had help up.
When I told my dad, he asked, "Is that why you've been having all of those false alarms for pregnancy?"
"Yes."
And something about that question hit a nerve. It seems to ironic that the very thing that made me think I was pregnant, in fact was the thing that could keep me from ever being pregnant.
When I got off the phone, I cried. Not a lot. But enough.
I actually planned to cry a lot more when I got home and saw B. "He will comfort me," I thought.
Then I arrived at home, and B was so very sweet to me. He was washing dishes and telling jokes and singing.
The fact that he was acting like everything was normal made me feel so much beter.
I had already told him everything on my lunch break yesterday, but he did not respond.
He is a High "S" on the DISC test. In other words, it takes him a while to process things and work through his emotions BEFORE he says anything about it.
I expected him not to say anything last night, figuring something like this may take a few days to process.
But, still, I asked, "What do you think about everything that happened today?"
His reply, "It makes me sad."
"Why? We can still have kids now."
"I know, we'll have one now, but it makes me sad that you can't have any later in your 20's."
Then there was a pause, and a sigh, and the most amazing thing ever:
He said, "I don't believe it."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't believe you have those cysts."
"Do you mean you don't believe because of faith, or you believe the doctor was wrong?"
"I'm believing in faith that when you go back to the doctor in January, they aren't going to be able to find anything. Those cysts will be completely gone."
What an amazing man.
Let me say that, I have the gift of faith. It's not my strongest gift, but it is in the top three.
When things are bad financially, or when God tells us to do something that seems very irrational, I have NO problem believing that God will take care of us. In fact, I'm usually the one that has to convince B that everything will work out for our good.
But when it comes to my health, I find it difficult not to listen to what the medical professionals tell me.
And so God sent me B, who can believe in my place.
How amazing is my B and my God?
Hm.
So.
I also talked with my mom.
We decided that, if it's safe enough, I should wait 10 months to a year to get preggo.
I can go to UGA through the summer and graduate December 2006. That will also allow me to have maternity coverage because we will have waited the appropriate 12-month period.
Then I can have the baby in late sping/early summer of 2007. I'll take my maternity leave and then go back to work part time while B is still in school. My mom said she can watch the baby on the days I am at work, and if nothing else, I can leave him/her at the daycare that happens to be right across the street from where I live.
So, if we can wait, even one year, things will be much better. Even six months would be okay. I mean, I would have to go to school while preggo, but I could manage if that were the only chance to have a baby that we would get.
I'm managing. That's all I can say right now.
I praise God that things aren't worse, and I'm believing for His supernatural intervention.
If this is His way of telling me to have a baby now, so be it.
If this is Satan telling me that I will never have children, screw it. I am healed
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Here's something really cool that happened on the way to work this morning...
I was praying, and remembering that evening that I had with me, the Holy Spirit, and the "baby." (see previous entries)
And I asked the Holy Spirit what that was...
And here is what He said...
It was a prophetic vision, stating that the conception of my child is already established in the Heavens, I just have to, by faith, speak it into existence on earth.
And somehow that really excites me.
It is established. My child is already in the works, even if not in the physical realm.
The book is being written, the days are being planned, the spirit is awaiting a body.
It is established.
"Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN."
This part of The Lord's Prayer means so much more to me now.
So, we will pray for God's timing, and then when we know it's time... I will not worry about whether or not I will conceive... because it is established.
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I suppose that's all for now. I may be back later to update more.