I don't mind spending every day outside your window in the pouring rain...
I want to spend the afternoon looking at potterybarnkids.com and target.com for adorable baby stuff.
But alas...
I have to work.
Speaking of work...
JS, the other commercial girl here at the agency, heard about the "issues" I'm having with my female stuff, and having similar symptoms herself, decided to go to the doctor too.
Her's is worse. Much worse, I think.
She found out a couple weeks ago that she has endometriosis... bleeding and growth from the inside of the uterus.
Her doctor told her she has a year to conceive, and then she will need a hysterectomy.
Then on Friday, her husband went to be tested to make sure everything is working properly.
But it's not.
He has zero sperm.
Poor JS.
My heart really goes out to her.
She does have one darling little girl who is going into the third grade. JS had her when she was sixteen.
I look at their situation, and it kind of terrifies me.
I mean, I know we are going to have a child because of that night with the Holy Spirit... (see previous entries)...
I also know that neither of us will have any emotional difficulty adopting... it's something we've always wanted to do anyways.
But...
I can't help but get a little frightened...
My cousin wrote me an email the other day in which he said, "Faith is not the absence of fear. It is the ability to trust God in spite of that fear."
I can't tell you how many times I have said that to someone.
And yet here I am, needing someone else to tell me.
I always thought I was so very self-sufficient. I loved having an evening at home by myself. Now I can hardly stand to be alone for too long. I begin to think... and focus on the wrong things.
I have to have a support group around me encouraging me to "think positively" and "have faith."
But, unfortunately, one of my biggest supporters now lives 8 hours away.
Jen is good. I love being around her, especially when I feel depression pending. But she just doesn't understand the way C does. She is compassionate, and a good listener... but there is something completely different about having somebody who not only listens but also understands.
I really wish I could just quit work and go to Memphis.
She bought baby bedding this weekend. The nursery is getting all decorated. Baby clothes hanging in the closet.
And I want to much to be a part of it all.
But there is nothing I can do. This is where the Lord wants me.
Hm.
B has been absolutely wonderful through this whole thing. He has faith where I lack. That is new for us, and it's absolutely amazing.
Well... I suppose I will go back and get to work...
I really want to get a pregnancy test.
I spend a lot of time in the jacuzzi and hot tub this past weekend.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I really don't think I'm pregnant this time. I have NO symptoms. But I think I want to take a test... just in case.
We'll see.
Maybe I have the will power.
Then again...
Maybe not.