The future and it's mind games.
Okay... I, for my third or fourth entry of the day, I need to sort some things out in my mind.
Things that have been teetering on the edge of my consciousness for sometime.
Thing that I won't allow myself to think about because...well... what's the point?
But today, I cannot push them back any further. I found a little blurb that I wrote back when I started this diary. (You can find it by clicking "Profile.") And I felt as if I were reading something that a completely different person wrote.
By the time I finished reading it, I had almost forgotten that I was the one that wrote it so many years ago.
Still, those desires that have been in my heart since a was a little girl, began to emerge from that dark place where they had been hidden.
But instead of giving me excitement, and hope, and a sense of a pending great adventure...
It gave me a tinge of sadness.
I suppose this is what they call "bittersweet."
When I had those dreams... so long ago... I didn't think about money... or work... or marriage... or babies... or anything that could tie me down.
I just always saw myself picking up and leaving whenever and to wherever the wind would blow.
Yet here I am... sitting at a desk... looking out my window... into a world that I know nothing about.
I am scared to ask for a half day off when my friend comes into town. At the end of the day, my back aches and my head hurts. I walk around campus like a zombie because... I'm not there to learn... I'm there to get a degree... so I can work.
When did I become this person?
The thought of travel makes me tired. And now... to top everything else... I have a baby on the way.
And with that most recent change, I begin to wonder if this is my lot in life... if I am destined to follow in the footsteps of my tired, over-worked, and under-appreciated mom.
And I look back over life, and I think about the mistakes she made... married too young, didn't go to college, worked herself to the point of exhaustion, didn't stay home with her babies for financial reasons, and now, at almost 50 years old, she is finally doing something for herself... something she has always dreamed of doing.
But her mistakes were not always mistakes... at the time that she was making them, they were only life choices. Because, you see, hindsight is 20/20. Only looking back now does she call them mistakes.
And I look at my own life choices. Married very young (too young, most would say), pregnant very young, working in a job I hate, getting a degree that I won't be able to use... and probably not staying home with my baby.
How different am I, really, from her? Am I not repeating her mistakes in my own way?
But I cannot seem to find a way to stop.
I keep telling myself that as soon as I finish school, things will change.
But how?
Will I not be working this same job?
By that point my child will be two years old, and I will have completely missed infancy.
Things cannot change that much.
And this is why I have refused to think about it until now. It is all doom and gloom.
If I close my eyes, bury my head in the sand, and tell myself that it will all work out in the end, then at least... AT LEAST... I can make it through today's mundane tasks.
Then there is that little thing called faith.
"All things work together for good for those who are in Christ Jesus."
Thus sayeth the Lord.
And I have to choose... do I believe it or not?
Because there is no half-way or gray area here.
I do.
Or I don't.
And so... for today... I will once again push back the doubts and depression...
And trust Him.
March is supposed to have odd rain.
This is a sign of the financial rain God is pouring out.
Let's wait and see, shall we?
"Lord, send the rain.
Pour out your Spirit.
Let the fire fall.
Heal us one and all.
Fall fresh on me."