shhhh.......be still

A Shocking Epiphany (or however you spell it)

I should be working.

I know I say that a lot, but I actually really DO mean it today.

And I will... in a minute or so.

But I need to... I don't know... get something out.

I'm not even quite sure what it is.

Hormones, perhaps.

Perhaps something else.

Very stream of consciousness, I'm afraid.

Because, you see, I'm not really even sure what it is.

I don't want to go out with the girls.

I don't want to dress up.

I want to stay home, and cuddle up on the couch with my hubby.

And in my little world, in my own little process of rationalization, it was because I love him so much, that nobody else matters.

But somehow, as the evening grows closer, I realize why I don't want to go out.

I feel ugly.

And fat.

And pregnant.

Jen is wearing "dressy jeans" with heels and a hot pink halter top, which, in her words, she's "a little self-conscious about because [she] is not tan."

Ah. If that were all I had to worry about.

The last time I went to Atl with these girls, JP wore a mini skirt, and the rest were very sext/trendy.

And what was I planning to wear?

What I have on right now.

Khaki pants. Heels. Brown tank top. Tan sweater.

When did I become this person?

And I look back over the last few months.

When Jen wants to come over, I tell her, "Don't dress up or anything because I am in my sweatpants and a tshirt."

Even when C was here, I somehow felt like my clothes, my style, my entire appearance... just didn't measure up.

And I NEVER admit this to myself.

I NEVER allow myself to have this internal dialogue.

I've watched too much Dr.Phil to let myself do that.

If my conscious mind starts beating me down, I ALWAYS tell myself how blessed I am... and how people always compliment my skin... and how my middle school girls "love [my] style," and how my husband tells me I'm beautiful.

And... for that moment... I can push the thoughts out of my head.

Because I know who I am.

I am confident in who I am.

I LIKE who I am.

How many people can say THAT?

And so... I cannot blame my internal dialogue for these feelings because I NEVER allow my conscious mind to go there.

But this is deeper.

It's not that I talked myself into it.

It's more that I discovered that is was there... deep down inside.

And I push it away by flowery words and smiling at the mirror.

But still, I dread going tonight.

And I don't like it when Jen wears makeup to come over to my house.

And I don't like it when JP wears a mini skirt.

And I don't like going to dinner with skinny girls in their sexy clothes.

AND I AM JUST FIGURING OUT WHY.

How dense am I?

Because I am the only pregnant girl going tonight.

So no matter what I wear

Or how confidently I wear it...

I'm still the "big" one.

And I didn't feel this way before I was pregnant.

REALLY.

Like I said, I like who I am.

For health reasons, I was trying to lose weight (and succeeding, thankyouverymuch).

But I wasn't bothered by how I looked.

And here is what doesn't make sense... when I am going out with my husband... or crashing on the couch cuddling with him... I LOVE BEING PREGNANT!

I love looking pregnant. I love feeling pregnant. I love it when people look at my belly and give me that knowing smile. Because I am PROUD of my body, and my beautiful growing belly.

But there is something about hanging out with girls... skinny, beautiful, young (although most are older than me), fun, excited about life...

And when we walk in, everybody will look at them... and I will be their pregnant friend.

But... is that how people really see me?

I don't know.

I DON'T KNOW.

Perhaps that's just how I see myself.

And I know it sounds silly... BUT I REALLY DIDN'T REALIZE THAT'S HOW I FELT!!!

So... I'm going to leave work early... to go to the mall to see if I can find something to wear.

I feel like crying.

I REALLY don't want to go.

But if I don't, I know I will regret it.

I KNOW I will.