And We Were One
So much on my mind
and in my heart.
Do you know that I would do anything to make you smile?
I love that smile. It makes the whole world feel welcoming.
I love your little self-conscious act of covering your mouth when you smile really big, because you think I care that you were denied braces.
Your arms are the safest place in the world for me.
Knowing that you are happy with us... with our lives... makes me feel like I have accomplished something in this life. If nothing else, I have accomplished in making you happy.
And I have felt all of this since the first night I fell in love with you. Under the stars. Amongst the fireflies. Dancing in silence. Knowing that God had sent you to me... to protect me... and love me... and prove to me that at least one person in this world is safe to trust... and not everybody will break my heart.
Then, amidst all this emotion that is bottled up inside of me, and all the fear that these feelings are unrequited or, at best, stronger than those you have - in the midst of all that - I threw a question out into the void.
I didn't expect an answer.
I never expected one.
You've never been one to completely open up. Always wanting to figure things out in your mind before you let them escape from your tongue. And those things that you can never seem to completely understand, I may never know of, because you will hold them in until you have disected them into pieces and put them back together again.
And so my question was one of loss, almost. I wondered to nobody, would I ever know those thoughts? Would you ever let me into those parts of you that you seemed so unreadable in?
But somehow you knew.
Though you never read the words, you must have read my mind.
I was in the tub, among candles and loud rock music.
I was tired. And stressed.
Honestly, I was resigned to the fact that I may never know those things.
But I was determined to never give up searching for them.
And you walked in.
Taking my breath away.
And stealing my heart.
Again.
I don't think you've ever kissed me like that before.
No, I know you haven't.
Something had changed.
And as if in answer to prayer, which I suppose is what my silent request was, you answered all my questions.
I was beautiful again.
I was safe again.
I was completely yours again.
My heart melted and my body molded itself into you.
And we were one.
Not just sex.
Not just physical need.
We connected.
Like never before.
And in the midst of it, you silenced all the questions that were plaguing my dreams.
Dreams that still scared me.
Dreams of a past that I had forgotten, but wondered if I should regret.
"We're married," you whispered.
"Yeah," I softly responded.
"And you're pregnant."
"Hmmm," I sighed.
"And I'm going to be a daddy."
In that moment, I saw something in your eyes that I can only remember seeing once before.
---
At C's wedding, do you remember? We didn't sit together in the beginning. I was in the wedding party. You were a guest - my date.
And in the midst of helping C with her dress, or talking with AB who was sitting next to me, or simply staring off into space - I would glance at you. And every time - every time - you were looking right back at me. Then, eventually, we moved onto the dance floor. You put your arms around me. I looked deep into your eyes, and saw them well up with tears. And there - there was that look. It shook me to the core. It was like I was looking directly into you mind - your soul. I knew what you were thinking. I knew what you were feeling. You were thinking about our upcoming wedding day. And about how blessed we were to have each other. I know, because I felt it too.
And without any physical manifestation, we were one.
--
That is the look - the emotion - that poured out of you, when you said you would be a daddy.
And that's all that needed to be said. Because for only the second time in my entire life, I knew exactly what you were thinking. Exactly what you were feeling.
Because we were one.
And I felt it too.
I don't know how you knew that was what I needed. And I can only assume that the Lord knew it, and I was seeing Him working in us.
But I want you to know that I will never forget that moment. And I will do anything and everything I can to bring back that look - that smile - as often as I can. Because for once, there were no doubts, no second guesses, no inhibitions.
It was you. It was me. Our hearts as exposed as our bodies.
And we were one.