Dream
There are things I want to write. But I can't seem to get my right index finger to click the mouse, sending the words into the oblivion of the internet - where one can never again take them back.
Things that haunt my dreams. Why can't I shake this thing?
People from long ago, in a different time in my life.
And is it because I'm unhappy? Certainly not. I'm more than content with my life right now. While it's not where I had planned to be at this stage in my life, I have no doubt it is where He planned for me to be.
And that, I suppose, is what I wonder.
What if?
What if I had followed my heart that one time long ago...
And not followed what He told me to do...
How different would my life be?
And this is where I have to stop.
Because I'm afraid I really don't want to know.
But what I do want to know is this... are you happy?
Are you married? or single? traveling the globe? or strapped at home with three kids?
Are you doing all the things you always dreamed you would do? Or did life turn out differently for you, as it did for me?
But I cannot allow myself to dwell on it too much.
But what I HATE is the feeling that you are lurking about.
If I walk into the grocery store on a Saturday morning - dirty hair, sweat pants, no makeup - I find myself subconciously praying that THIS will not be the day that you pop out of my past.
I even go so far as to put a little makeup on before going in - just in case.
And, finally, I worked up the courage to ask myself - just this week - "Just in case what?"
What is it that I am so afraid of? Am I afraid that you will think I am unhappy? Or that I have regrets?
I'm not.
And I don't.
I know that. B knows that. That should be all that matters. Still, you lurk in my subconcious.
And as I sit and type this, my own answers come to mind...
It goes back to the original question.
What if?
Where would my life be today...if...?
And while I long to see you, out of mostly curiosity, to see where my life would be had I chosen a differnet course. To confirm what I already know... that I am happier here.
I worry that you wonder the same thing.
And I suppose I worry that, should you see me in the grocery store on one of those Saturday mornings, you will be glad it turned out the way it did.
And I don't know why that bothers me.
I suppose because you hurt me.
And I want you to see what you missed out on.
I want you to be jealous of what I have with B... and of our child. I want you to walk away with the regret that YOU were not the one that finally stole my heart.
wow
I didn't even realize that last part was in me until it came spilling out of my finger tips.
Unforgiveness, I suppose.
Will I ever get over this?
I want to.
Because, when he told me that he had temporarily given up on us, it was YOUR face that popped into my mind. It was the pain that YOU inflicted that made me cry. It was YOUR name that I wanted to scream.
THAT, in all honesty, is what bothers me.
That even in the pain that someone else inflicts, you suddenly drop in from my past. And I realize, this that is happening, would not hurt NEARLY as much as it does if YOU had not caused the initial wound.
Because I realize. This is not a fresh wound. It is an old, deep scar, that has just been reopened by someone other than its creator.
And these are the things that my dreams are made of.
This hurt. These wounds. Those words. That regret and abandonment.
From you.
And I relive it.
As I sleep.
Do you see now why I have such trouble writing about it?
These are the nightmares I don't want to talk about in the morning.
Worse than witches and ghosts and terrifying ax murderers - because this is a real pain.
That I dream about even in the waking hours afterwards.
And suddenly, I am glad that I made the decision that I did... way back then.
Because while he has hurt me, as people do from time to time, he has only reopened old wounds.
He has never created a fresh one - as so many others have done, yours being the deepest.
God used HIM to heal the wound that YOU created.
THAT is why I have no regrets.
I only wish that I could be happy knowing you have none either.
But I want you to regret every action and every word... knowing that, had you played fair, this would be your child, and not his.
But THANK GOD, for my sake, HE rescued me from that life.