More Contemplations... I think I'm the mad hatter
Full of regret this afternoon.
Regret for dwelling on this too much.
Regret for even posting that last entry.
Still, I can't bring myself to delete it.
I wonder what B would think if he read it.
I hope everybody understands that i have NO REGRET about the decision I made. NONE. WHATSOEVER.
I just want HIM to regret hurting me.
And I don't know why this is coming up now. Why he keeps randomly popping into my dreams.
Nothing romantic or weird... just him... showing up at the grocery store, or A's house, or at my front door.
And it never gets further than that. I see him standing (or sitting) there, and I wake up.
And perhaps all these changes that are occuring in my life are wreaking havoc on my subconscious.
Like, here's my psycho-analysis (or over-analysis), if you care:
I think that there are alot of changes going on in my life that are out of my control. Nobody asked me if I wanted to get pregnant now. It just happened. I'm working with baby - because I have no choice. I'm postponing school - because I have no choice. I'm moving because we need a bigger place - I have no choice.
It's not that I am complaining. I don't begrudge ONE change that is happening in order to bring this little life to the world.
But, I think with all these changes... HUGE changes... LIFE-ALTERING changes... that are out of my control, my mind is puking up the major changes in my life that WERE in my control. (Sorry for the mental image there, but it really is how I feel about this whole thing.)
I think that by reviewing these decisions, my subconscious is reminding me that even changes that are IN my control are just as difficult as the ones that are OUT of my control. And that THOSE turned out for the best, so why can't THESE.
SURE... that's my not-so-logical reasoning. Because I can't think of ANY other reason for all this, I suppose that will have to do for now.
Believe it or not... I'm not in a bad mood about any of this. I AM, however, tired of thinking about it.
Sometimes, a dream is just a dream, and nothing else.
Right?
Right.
So tonight we are having sandwiches for dinner, going to the movies, and having an all-around nice evening together.
I can't wait.
It's just what the doctor ordered.
*woot*