What's wrong with me??
I feel like a terrible person these days.
I feel like I'm not who I am supposed to be.
Does that make any sense?
Why is it that a walk down the diaper aisle of the grocery store makes my stomach churn?
Why have I been unable to even enter the baby's room for two weeks now?
Why can't I keep my house clean?
Why can't I cook a simple meal without burning it?
And why can't I accept the things that limit me rather than blame them all on HER?
Why do I feel like such a terrible mother when my child isn't even born yet?
Why do I have so much resentment towards HER?
I was not ready for this.
Nobody asked me.
I woke up at 3am with my husband on top of me.
It takes two to tango? Not this time.
This time it took one.
I was asleep.
This was not the plan.
The plan was as follows:
I would continue school through the summer and fall. I would graduate in December and start working full-time in January. I would proceed to get my agent's license, and my boss had already confirmed he was sending me to Ohio for a week to get better training.
I was going to be the "commercial manager" here at work. My job would be to head up the commercial department.
We would have money to buy new furniture. We would start saving for the house we want to build.
I would work full-time while B finished school (two years). At the end of the two years, he would start working, we would build the house, I would go to part-time and start getting ready to have kids.
I would be 25 when I got pregnant with the first. 27 with the second. A boy and a girl (in no particular order). We could have more later, if we wanted.
We would be financially set. We would be married for five years and probably ready for the next phase. We would have money to invest in college funds, life insurance, retirement plans, etc.
But that's not how it happened, is it?
Instead, we are financially shaky, at best. We have no money for college funds or life insurance. We are still trying to live as if there is no change, knowing all the time that this will be the biggest change in our lives.
B still expects me to be the wife I have always been for him. And he gets upset when I can't be that.
But I just can't. I can't be all things to all people. I can't go to Canada and come home with a cold and immediately clean the house and make sure he has good food and take care of Pippin and do the laundry... I CAN'T DO IT!!
And the bad thing is, I WANT to do it. I WANT to be that kind of wife. I CAN be that way.
When I'm not pregnant.
And that brings me back to blaming Her.
This was not the plan.
We had a plan.
A good plan.
But it was shattered.
And nobody asked me how I felt about it.
Everybody was so consumed with how THEY felt.
"Oh, I'm so excited!"
"Oh, I can't wait!"
"Oh, I'm going to be a grandmother!"
But what about ME?
Did anybody consider what I wanted?
I want to go to England with B this December to meet the grandfather he's never known.
But I can't.
Because I will have a two month old baby.
And I feel so guilty! I feel like crying just as I'm writing this.
I mean, what kind of mother talks this way???
It's not CJ's fault that she's coming into this world. It not Her fault that my world is being turned up-side-down and spun around.
So why do I feel so much resentment towards her?
I really think I need some counseling or something.
This can't be normal.
Maybe it's hormonal.
Maybe I can take a pill and make all this resentment go away. Can I talk about post-pardom depression, pre-pardom-ly?
People say things will be better once she gets here. "Every mom feels this way at some point."
Really?
Has mom REALLY been PHYSICALLY UNABLE to walk into her child's room?
Because I feel like the mom's that tell me it will all be okay... those are the moms that WANTED their children and PLANNED for them
This is not what I WANTED.
This is not what I PLANNED.
I don't know.
I don't know what I want.
But I find that the closer this due date gets, the more difficult it is for me to handle.
I don't know if I can do this.
But, then again, nobody asked me.