A follow up
So do you know what is really bothering me?
Sure, my job (see previous entry), but I think there is something deeper.
I am in a strange place right now - a place I have never been before.
I am completely content with my home life: good husband, darling baby, warm home (though desperately in need of a good cleaning), financial stability, the works.
I am completely discontent with my work life.
Usually, my life is the opposite, with some drama at home and my job offering the necessary stability.
It's not that I am complaining about this odd turn of events. On the contrary, I would much rather that my home life be the stable side of life.
But I just keep thinking about that house -
-the one that DD prophesied over us. Did I tell you that B dreams about it? (I can't remember if I wrote about that or not).
I keep thinking how happy my life would be if I could stay home - not as a purely stay-at-home mom - but becuase home is my job. I would love to stay home and cook huge meals for people and make sure their rooms are cozy and pray with them and minister to them. Food and sleep and prayer can soothe the most intense emotional pain.
I see that house when I wake up in the morning. Thoughts about it distract me at work.
Here is how bad it is getting: I watched "Stranger Than Fiction" this weekend, and there is a line where the girl says, "I wanted to make the world better, and I figured I could do it with cookies." And it made me cry.
*gosh*
And that is where I want to be. In my big house, with my baby, and with lots of people eating and laughing and praying and being made whole again.
That is where my heart is.
And that is why I feel so discontent here.
I don't know if this house is days away... months away... years away... or even decades away.
But I know that it is more real to me than any home I have known.
I love my house now, but it still feels so temporary, like I know it is not where we are intended to stay.
And so, as I said before, I think I just need to pray about this job situation.
I don't want to leave here because it doesn't match up with my day dreams.
I just want to stay closely in God's will.
That's my prayer right now.