"Screeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaam"
Do you ever have days when you feel down for no apparent reason?
I am having one of those days... a couple days actually.
I have so many things to be happy about.
So many things to be thankful for.
But somehow I am hurting.
And I can't exactly put my finger on the reason.
Hormones, perhaps?
My little girl brings me absolute joy.
My husband is wonderful.
My home is warm.
My family is supportive.
My job pays the bills.
What do I REALLY have to complain about?
I feel like I need to write.
I haven't written any music in a very long time.
I really need some alone time with my guitar.
But I am lucky to have a car ride to myself, much less an entire evening alone.
I want to be left alone for a while.
I want to stay home, all evening, by myself.
I want to turn my music up really loud and dance until my muscles ache.
I want to sit in silence and listen to my soul write the lyrics of my life.
I want to be alone.
Not forever.
But for a little while.
Just a bit.
Without guilt.
Without a time constraint.
Without interruption.
Just me.
My music.
My Jesus.
And somehow (God, forgive me) I even feel suffocated by that last thought.
Yet, I know He would never force himself into my life.
But can I have some "me" time. Please? Time that I don't have to do ANYTHING but what I want to do.
I don't want to talk to anybody... ANYBODY.
*gosh*
I feel all bottled up.
That's the only way I know how to describe it.
I feel like who I am has been stuffed and smashed and banged and shaken until it fits in this tiny little bottle and stowed away.
I don't have time to be me... to do the things I want to do.
*wa wa wa*
I know. I'm having a little pity party today.
So Sue me.
Tomorrow I am cooking for 4 to 7 women in my family. They are coming to my house for our "females-only Christmas dinner."
I am actually very excited about that. I LOVE cooking for people and having people in my home.
That is for me, I suppose.
It's not music.
It's not painting.
But it's something.
It's some release of "me" into the world.
"It came to pass."
Life will not always be like this.
...
It just seems that way today