The Dream...
It has been a very interesting couple of days...
I didn't write about it yesterday because I was still fuming about my conversation with my mom.
But I'm over that today, and so I do want to write about what the Lord has been showing me.
As you read in the couple entries before this one, the Lord is bringing me into a new covenent with him.
I heard Him say it.
I understood it.
But it didn't really change anything... like... as far as my choices are concerned.
Even up until yesterday, I was struggling with the same old sin... the same old way of thinking...
It's like, I heard what the Lord was saying, but nothing was changing.
But Wednesday night (two nights ago)I had quite an interesting time with the Lord.
It was earlier that day when I received the Word from the Lord about the Sarah Covenant.
So during my prayer time in the tub that night, I felt an overwhelming since of the Lord's love. BUT... I couldn't accept it. I can't explain why. But I literally said to the Lord, "I'm sorry. I just can't handle that right now."
I don't know why. Really, I don't.
It was just too much.
It was a love I couldn't understand and, quite frankly, made me uncomfortable... like when someone you hardly know tries to get too intimate too fast.
That's how I felt - naked, exposed, embarrassed.
Like I said, I just don't know why.
But that night, I had a dream.
At first, I didn't think too much about it.
It was one of those "movie star" dreams where you end up making out with some very hot and very unattainable guy.
But... it was also so much more than that.
In my dream, there was Luke Wilson (who I don't think is particularly that good looking; so I'm not sure why he was chosen) and one of the guys from Prison Break - not one of the good-looking ones, but one of their nasty prison mates. Anyways, they were brothers in my dream.
So, I was at a party with the prison break guy - we'll call him Bob, since I don't know his real name - he said, "Hey, why don't you come back to my place?"
I ended up going back with him, and his brother (Luke Wilson) was there. Bob disappeared into a back room, and Luke and I started talking.
Then we started kissing.
Now, let me explain, this was not a raunchy oooo-I-kissed-a-movie-star dream.
It was sweet.
And romantic.
And during those kisses, I felt a love like I have NEVER felt before.
It was pure.
I felt accepted, and wanted, and beautiful.
There were no inhibitions... no nagging voices telling me it's fake...
...nothing...
...but me and him...
and, in the dream, I had the thought, "I wish I never had to leave."
And that is when I woke up... the first time.
Then I went back to sleep and the dream continued.
It was the next morning, and the three of us were walking outside (in my grandparents's pecan grove, of all places).
Then Bob said, "The truth is that I am dying. And I have all these children that my brother is going to be taking care of. But they need a mom, and so now that he has found you..."
Then suddenly children started running out to me. Coming from underneath bushes, and down from the tree house, and out from the house itself. There must have been a couple dozen children. I hugged some, and introduced myself to some. There were three that I particularly remember - little tripplet girls all dressed in white with white bows in their hair.
And I was so happy to have all these children with "him" (Luke) that I started to cry.
And that is when I woke up the second and final time.
It was a dream I wish I could have stayed in forever.
Because of all the drama that happened yesterday, I forgot about the dream... until last night.
And the Lord reminded me about it.
Then, suddenly, it all made since.
GOD was in that dream - represented by Luke Wilson.
Hehe... I know that sounds funny.
But that indescribable LOVE that I experienced when kissing Luke... that was the Love that the Lord was TRYING to show me earlier that night. But, somehow, I could accept it coming from a man rather than coming from God.
It wasn't scary, or too intimate, or overwhelming.
It was sweet, and tender, and breath-taking.
And, as I have written before, the Lord has been teaching me about divorcing Baal (which literally means "husband" or "master") and remarrying God.
And I feel like this is what the dream meant...
Bob represents Baal. In the dream (as in the TV show) he was greasy and gross looking.
But I went home with him anyway.
I had intended to start a relationship with him.
But once we got to where we were going, Bob couldn't even come close to comparing with Luke.
And once I was in Luke's embrace, there were no other thoughts of Bob.
And isn't it interesting that Bob's "children" were being taken from him and given to Luke... and to me.
.....
And I think that is where the Lord is leading me.
He wants to bring me to a place where the things of Baal (financial and sexual sin, in particular) are of no comparison with God's love.
That once I am fully enveloped in God's embrace, Baal (or Satan) won't even begin to compare.
And the things ("children") that I have been longing for - blessings and ministries and a life of fulfillment - that Baal/Satan has been in possession of, will be given back to me many times over (hence, the triplets) via my relationship with the Lord.
..............
So, that's what was "downloaded" into me during my quiet time last night.
But the thing that affected me the most was remembering the Love that I felt in that dream...
... and realizing that is how the Lord feels about me.
It was overwhelming - in a good way - like I could finally accept it.
And I know it's probably bad that the Lord had to use a man in a dream to show me how much He loves me - but it was also extremely romantic.
... And do you know what actually made me remember the dream? - The end of Grey's anatomy last night (with Izzie).
I won't go into it because I don't want to ruin it for anyone who didn't get to see it...
But the fact that they could only touch in passing... it made me long for another dream like that from the Lord.
Because (and I am tearing up as I write this) I feel heartbroken that I can't hold the Lord and look into His eyes the way I did in the dream. And it makes me extremely sad (and a little angry) knowing that we are INTENDED to have that physical intimate relationship with the Lord, but sin got in the way at Eden.
It's terribly heartbreaking, it puts a longing in me like I have never had before.
I know I'm rambling. I'm sorry.
It's just this...
I feel like I have felt the Lord's embrace for the first time in my life, and I don't think it's fair that I have to live life without feeling that on a regular basis, you know?
And yet... at the same time... I feel like that LOVE is what the Lord is calling me into right now.
And so I'm really looking forward to what's coming.
And I'm praying for more dreams with Him...