Remember
Struggling to find a foothold today.
I am teaching about emotional healing next Wednesday night...
Last Wednesday night, we taught the girls about forgiveness. Namely: Forgiving others for hurting us, because ultimately it's Satan working through them.
And at the end of the night, right before the altar call, the Lord had me share something with them that I have shared with very few people in my life.
I got saved at church camp when I was 13.
The second night of camp, to be exact, was the night that I accepted Christ.
The third night of camp, I emptied out all the anger and hatred that had built up towards my dad.
You see, as we have been learning in this "Captivating" series, every girl has a question that she asks to the world, "Am I lovely?"
And this question is answered over and over in her life by people.
The answer to my six-year-old heart was, "You are not worth my time or effort. You are worthless to me."
And, as a defense mechanism, I built up walls of hatred to keep others out - to keep everyone out.
So that third night of camp, my second night as a Christian, the Lord had me pour out all that hatred.
I stayed in the altar for hours that night. Someone would hand me a tissue, but instead of using it for my nose, I would just rip and rip and rip until the tissue was a little mound of white scraps. By the end of the night, I had gone through an entire box of tissues... and a roll of toilet paper.
Years later, I asked the Lord why He chose that night to deal with me about that. Those were some pretty intense emotions, and it seems like something a more mature Christian would be better equipped to handle.
And He showed me a picture. He showed me a bucket that was packed full of nasty mud. It was full of worms and maggots, and it was absolutely packed to the brim.
He said, "This was your heart. You were so filled with hatred, you had no room for any of the love and healing that I wanted to pour into you. I needed to empty out that junk before I could begin to fill you."
And so, I shared this with the girls on Wednesday night. And I cried the whole time.
And they cried.
And the Lord ministered to them.
And that was good.
But...
I woke up on Thursday morning feeling so raw. Like someone had opened that wound again.
And so for the past 48 hours, I have been trying to figure out where these emotions are coming from.
I have no hatred towards my dad.
I have a great relationship with him now.
I haven't even thought about the divorce in a very long time.
But there it is - the gaping wound in my heart - exposed. Again.
I was praying this morning on the way to work, and I felt the Lord saying to me:
"Remember. Remember. Remember. Remember this feeling? Do you remember walking around with this heaviness? Do you remember what it was like before I healed you? Remember. Remember. Remember.
"There are girls that are walking around with that heaviness today. Right now. This feeling that you are having today, they live with. It is with them when they wake up. And with them throughout the day. And with them as they're drifting off to sleep. It affects their relationships. It affects their self-esteem. It affects their heart. They are hurting, and don't even know it. It is such a part of them, they think it is normal.
"You have been freed from this pain. I have healed you.
"But I want you to remember. Remember. Remember. Because I want to break this hurt in them. I want to end this cycle.
"Remember."
*gosh*
So I am hurting today.
And I need to spend some time praying...
Because, the fact that I am hurting so much makes me wonder if there are still some roots there that need to be taken care of.
And so, basically, I need to spend a lot of time in the Lord's arms over this next week.
I need to let Him heal what needs to be healed.
And accept that some of it may need to remain for a season so that I can have a tender heart towards these girls Wednesday night.
And I DON'T need to turn to FOOD for comfort.
Which leads me to my next topic...
I don't even want to talk about what I have eaten so far today.
*gosh*
So, on that note...
I'm getting back to work.
Bye!