Yackity Yack Don't Talk Back
I hate personal lines insurance today.
*AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH*
Okay... sorry... I just had to get that off my chest.
Out of work again yesterday because my lil' girl got sick again. Stupid colds. I can't wait until summertime comes and I don't have to worry about this (as much).
Speaking of summertime, what is UP with this weather? Do you realize that, here in Athens, it was colder at Easter than it was at Christmas?!?! What the heck!?
I didn't care, I wore my white capris and my red polka-dot shirt anyways. So there!! (hehe)
So, since I have a lot on my mind, but no way to release it all in any form of order, I think I will go down my previously-posted list of topics:
~ My Grandpa from Canada (GS) was in town this week. He flew back today. I only got to see him for a few hours on Sunday and a very short few minutes on Monday. That was kind of disappointing, but it's also okay because I'm always a little scared I might say something to offend him. For example, "Oh my gosh" is a bad word to him.
Eh.
I know I said it at least four times during the few minutes I saw him on Monday. Oh well.
...............................
Speaking of grandpa's. B's Grandpa (GGpa) is back home from prison - after 12 years.
He was charged and found guilty of sexually molesting a female foster child who was in his home.
Yeah.
I'm not exactly sure what to think about the whole thing.
We went over to B's parents's house on Saturday night, and GGpa was there.
It was completely weird.
ANYTIME his name has been brought up before, B and his family went kind of quiet. B has only talked to me about the situation twice before. I remember him talking about how angry his mom was at GGpa, and he even wonders if GGpa did something to her.
She has seemed very bitter about the situation in the past.
But there he was, sitting at her kitchen table, talking to the family as if it's the most normal thing in the world.
Here is just a tidbit from our conversation:
GGpa: "Man, I'm so tired. I haven't been getting much sleep because GGma goes to bed so late."
Bev: "Oh, that's right. You're used to getting up at 5 in the morning, aren't you?"
B: "5am?! Why so early?"
GGma: "Well, when you've got to feed 2 thousand people, somebody has to start breakfast early."
GGpa: "Yeah, I had to be in the kitchen at 4:30 every morning."
B: "Wow, so I bet it's hard for you to sleep in now, huh?"
And they were all smiling and laughing about it.
Is that weird to anybody else?
That just seems awkward to me.
Anyways, I felt very uncomfortable the entire night. I know we have to start getting used to him being there, and GGma does seem a lot happier now that he's home. But... it's just weird. That's the only way I know to put it.
................................
Yes, after my mom had finished her 3-4 days of pouting, I finally had a decent conversation with her about the whole "talk" we had last week. She was upset. But she now realizes that we have completely different parenting styles, and she needs to remember that I am the mom.
She said she thought I was disrespectful and too confrontational.
Maybe I was.
I don't know.
I still feel badly about how the whole thing went down. But at the same time, it would have absolutely ruined our relationship for us to continue the way that we were.
...........................
Okay, I'm too tired to write about the other stuff on my list.
Emotionally drained.
My house is back to CHAOS.
Blah.
Why can't I just maintain a clean house? Is it because I'm lazy? Is it because I want perfection, and when I can't achieve that, I give up?
Okay... I'm just going to write about this a little while because I feel like I need to get it out.
Maybe I am just lazy.
But I really do feel tired... a lot. And I don't just mean, "Oh, I need to get more sleep tonight" tired. I mean, "I could go to sleep at noon and not wake up until tomorrow morning" tired. Fatigue, I think, is the way I would put it.
And I don't know why.
And when I think of house work, I cringe. Literally, I feel my stomach sink.
It's awful.
Especially laundry.
Never ending. And SO MUCH.
And the thing that makes me the most upset, or angry, or disgusted with myself, or whatever emotion is:
B's attitude towards the whole housework thing.
If he doesn't think I'm keeping up with the laundry well enough, he gets mean. And it's those passive-aggressive, under his breath, underhanded mean comments, you know? Like, comments that, if I were to repeat them to you, you would probably say, "What's the big deal?" And even HE says, "That wasn't mean." But I think it is.
And maybe it's not mean. Maybe I am so guilty about how bad the house looks that I take all his comments and assume he meant them in a mean way, ya know? I just can't tell.
But I really do think he gets upset. Well, I know he gets upset, because he tells me so, after a long process of little mean comments.
And so I look at the mess, and I think, "If I would just work for a couple hours this morning and clean, then B would be so happy tonight." But then I almost instantly get angry because I think, "He should love me no matter what the house looks like. And why doesn't he?" And then I feel hopeless and tired, and I don't want to do the housework.
It's a stupid, vicious cycle in my head.
And here is the bottom line, I don't want to be loved BECAUSE...
BECAUSE I am a good cook.
BECAUSE I keep my house clean.
BECAUSE my husband always has clean clothes.
BECAUSE I don't sleep too much.
BECAUSE I make a lot of money.
I want to be loved. Period.
And I kind of feel the same way about my weight. Before I lost all that weight back in high school, B loved me for me. And for no other reason.
And because I was finally loved by a man unconditionally, I wanted to take care of myself. I could love myself. Does that make sense?
And so I started eating better and working out.
But then, when I started gaining the weight back, B suddenly started telling me that I should work out or eat better "so that I can be healthy."
And again, I feel like he loves me BECAUSE I'm working out or whatever.
And that thought alone makes me NOT want to work out.
Gosh.
And maybe there is something wrong with me.
Maybe I have some fear that gets drudged up from the past, and it has absolutely nothing to do with B.
And if that's the case, then why should I even mention it to him at all?
I just don't know.
I just don't know.
I just don't know.
I feel tired. And scared. And extremely helpless.
And I hate feeling that way.
So. Anyways. I'm done talking about this.
We'll make it through. We always do.
I think I just need to talk with him.
Or maybe I should get some counseling first.
Or maybe I should just pray about it some more.
But, honestly, I think I'm beyond prayer.
And... being perfectly honest... I feel judged by the Lord.
I know, that's not how I'm supposed to feel. But when I pray about it, I feel like He says, "Clean your house." And I know I'm supposed to clean my house. But that doesn't make my feelings of conditional love go away.
Gosh.
I just don't know.
Any insight from you dear readers?
Maybe I should go to a counselor.
I don't know.
Okay. I'm done.