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Not too much going on right now.
And, at the same time, I have a TON of stuff going on.
My dad and stepmom are coming over tomorrow to watch CJ for me. This is always a pleasant thing, when I don't have to load her up and take her somewhere. But, at the same time, I REALLY need to finish cleaning my house tonight. I have told PA that I will not be at church tonight (which is probably best anyways because CJ still has the sniffles). The good news is that B is home, and he doesn't have much homework (for once). So he can keep an eye on CJ while I buzz around the house getting stuff clean. My living room and kitchen are mostly clean. I can probably spend about 10 minutes in both of those rooms total and have them spotless. But as for the other rooms... *sigh*... I guess I shove everything back into the closets from whence they came.
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Emotionally, things have mellowed out a bit. B and I had a few "confrontations" last week, but we are laying down some "rules" that will hopefully help us avoid them in the future.
It's mostly lack of communication. He says one thing. I think he means it one way. I get upset. He actually meant it another way and doesn't understand why I'm upset. He assumes it's PMS or some other "female emotional problem" and decides to talk to me as little as possible in order to stay out of trouble. I take his silence as anger, and I don't think he has the right to be angry at me for getting angry. So I get more angry.
Do you see the nasty cycle?
It's no fun. No fun at all.
But, the good news is that each time the cycle runs its course, we eventually break down and discuss the problem that caused it to begin with.
And maybe, someday, there will be no more cycle.
That's my prayer anyways, because it totally sucks.
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I need some God&Me time tonight. Hopefully, I can get the house clean before CJ goes to bed so that once she's asleep, I can get in the tub and talk with God.
I haven't had much time for that this week, and I can totally tell a difference.
SS is such an inspiration to me in this matter. Almost every day she comes in and says, "I had a really good time with God last night." She is so consistent. And while I realize it's not about a religious schedule that says, "I have to spend xhours a day with the Lord" it is about maintaining a relationship.
I don't just want a surface relationship with the Lord anymore.
I think sometimes I think of that relationship as a "working" relationship. I give something to Him so He can give something to me so I can give something to Him so... you get the idea.
But none of the intimate relationships in my life work like that. I give because I love. Period.
And that is what I am longing for with the Lord. Blind trust. Blind acceptance. Blind love.
I really do think it needs to be blind.
Because I am struggling. Struggling with the "waiting" part. There have been times when I have been disappointed with the things I was expecting from the Lord.
Like the little house outside of Cleveland. And the night with Bishop Kyanja. And Carrie's death.
In these situations, each time, I heard the Lord's voice. I obeyed. I believed.
And I got in a car accident. Or I walked away unchanged. Or she didn't come back.
And I recognize this feeling. It's the fear of disappointment.
And it's that fear that keeps us from believing. It's easier to believe for nothing, because you will never be disappointed.
It comes down to this: Do I believe that God is a liar?
He says, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
And even though I haven't seen that really come to pass, do I believe what He says?
Because if I don't, then I am calling Him a liar.
But if He is not a liar, then I have no need to fear disappointment.
See?
And so that is why I think I need blind love. I need a love that is completely blind to the circumstances in my life. I need blinders on my eyes so that I cannot see the waves - only Jesus.
Do you think God will do that?
Or is it a daily choice that I have to make?
Unfortunately, I think it is the latter.
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okay, I'm spent. I love you, ladies!