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I have ten minutes left in my work day, and I am wiped out.
I have no more energy to work; so I will write.
Just a little warning: this entry may make no sense. I have a feeling it's going to be very stream of conscience or whatever.
AB, I hope you don't mind, but I am stealing your idea and writing a letter to God.
Dear God,
I think I'm upset with you right now. Though I'm not sure why. I find that when I start becoming angry at others and myself over silly things, it usually leads back to something I am upset with you about.
I feel disappointed right now.
Maybe disappointed in myself?
I'm not sure.
I feel disappointed by life.
I feel extremely tired.
I am stuck.
Right here.
And I have been stuck right here for quite a while now.
And You keep reminding me, "Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due season, you will reap what you sew."
Well, quite frankly, I need to grow weary for a while.
I need a break. A little reprieve.
I need for you to completely pour into me, without any effort on my part.
I can't keep going like this.
And I feel guilty being so selfish. I feel like I am asking something bad by saying "I need," especially since You have seen fit not to give me what I have been asking for.
Over the last month, there have been two chances for me to get this reprieve. And because of circumstances YOU have put me in, I was not able to go to either one of them.
And I'm okay with this, as long as I know there is a purpose.
No, that's not true.
I'm okay with this, as long as I know what the purpose is.
And I guess that's what it comes down to.
I need the faith to accept my situation - bear my cross - without questions.
But I honestly feel like I have nothing left.
I have no more faith.
I have no more works.
I have nothing left to give.
This is the year of overflow, right?
Then why do I feel like I am barely getting by spiritually?
The first of this year was so amazing. So. Very. Amazing.
You were teaching me. I was growing. I was hoping and believing for the things you had promised.
But I'm all hoped out.
I'm tired.
And I'm whining. I know.
I'm sorry.
Jesus, I know You love me.
I know You do.
I KNOW it.
I don't ever doubt it.
I don't ever doubt that you have the best intentions for my life.
I just needed to let You know how I'm feeling.
I don't necessarily need answers.
I just need a small break.
I need Your Spirit to wash over me.
I need that healing balm.
I need more of You.
Because I can't keep going like this.
I can't do it on my own.
"Not by might, not by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord."
And so, Lord, I need You to take this mountain of frustration and confusion and weariness and sin and turn it into a temple where we can have an intimate meeting.
I love you, Lord. Even when I don't understand You.