Rather Have Him
So, I had an AMAZING weekend.
I will start with Friday night.
As you may or may not know, I had Friday night completely free of husband and baby.
I got home, ate dinner, fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at about 9pm, shopped at Kohl's until 10pm, drank coffee and read a book at Barnes & Noble until 11pm. Went home, took a long bubble bath, read my book in the bath, had an AMAZING breakthrough with the Lord.
I am reading this book, "Hinds Feet In High Places."
Here is a general synopsis of the plot:
The main character is a little cripple girl named Much-Afraid. She lives in the Valley of Humility with her family the Fearlings. Get the picture? But in this valley, there is the Good Shepherd who goes up to the High Places in the mountains.
Much-Afraid, living a miserable life in the Valley, falls in love with the Shepherd and asks Him to take her into the High Places with Him. He tells her she has to develop Hinds Feet in order to dwell in the High Places. These are the feet that mountain goats have that allow them to easily and quickly bound up a steep mountainside. Since she is cripple, she knows this will be a difficult task for her.
The book is about her journey from the Valley of Humility to the High Places and about her developing her Hinds Feet.
Soo... I'm reading this book Friday Night.
Well, allow me to go back. I have been having a very rough time since Carrie died.
I know I heard the Lord tell me to believe for her to be raised. I know what I saw. It was the same voice I have been hearing since I was in 7th grade. If I didn't hear the Lord about that, then I have never heard Him before.
And the enemy was mocking me. (This goes back to Captain Nemo and the Battle of Deception.)
And I began to think about all the things that the Lord has told me to believe for.
He promised financial increase. A prince charming. A large house. A ministry. He promised I would never fear love (or rejection) again.
But none of those things have happened. And how do I know that those things won't turn out like Carrie's thing? The Lord told me to believe...nay, to fight for those things. And He didn't deliver what He told me to believe for.
And so I was upset.
And, again, as during the time that I was believing for Carrie's resurrection, the Holy Spirit was asking me: "What do you believe?"
"Am I a man, that I should lie?"
And for most of last week, I didn't know how to answer that. I was so upset. So disillusioned.
Everything that I thought I knew about faith was shattering before my eyes.
Because God told me to believe for something. I did. I was obedient. I believed hard. I prayed hard. I threw myself into being obedient.
And I was disappointed.
And that's not supposed to happen, right?!?!
So, this is where I was when I continued to read my book.
Much Afraid had just left one of the cabins on top of the lowest mountain. She was following the two guides that the Shepherd had given her. But there was fog. And she couldn't see where she was going. And she felt lost. And her family, the Fearlings, were shouting out to her that she had missed the path. They told her the Shepherd was being mean to her. There were easier ways to get to the High Places. Why was He sending her down this desolate path where she couldn't see more than one step in front of her.
And she got scared. And she called out to the Shepherd.
And the Shepherd came and comforted her. And the fog lifted. And He said to her, "Why do you listen to your relatives? Am I a man, that I should lie? Yes, there are easier ways, but if you go those ways, you will never develop Hinds Feet, and you will never be able to bound with me to the High Places."
And Much Afraid said, "I know you love me. And I know you wouldn't deceive me."
But then He replied, "But what if I did deceive you?"
Now, let me stop right there. That line was like a dagger in my heart. Because, as the Shepherd said it to Much Afraid, I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, "But what if I did deceive you?"
It was such a gut-wrenching question. What if He did? What if everything I thought I knew about Him was wrong? What if He did lie? What if I have been deceived all along?!
And the Shepherd said, "If I can, I will deceive you."
I guess I don't have to say that by this point, I was balling my eyes out. I am tearing up just thinking about it now.
So, Much Afraid continues. Soon, the fog lifts, and she can finally see the mountain range - the High Places - that she has been desiring for so long. They are within a short walking distance.
But, suddenly, the path turns and begins to go down. It is going away from the mountain. Away from the High Places. Into the Valley of Loss. And suddenly she thinks, "He has deceived me! He lied! I am not going to the High Places at all!"
Everything she thought she knew about the Shepherd began to fall apart. She pictured a world without Him. And for a few moments, her world seemed like one black gulf of nothingness. A world without Him was not a world worth living in. Even if He had deceived her.
So she called to Him in desperation, and He was there immediately. She clung to Him and cried into His chest and said, "I'd still rather have You! Even if you deceived me, I'd still rather have You!"
...
...
...
...
I don't know how to say what I am about to say.
Something broke in my spirit. Something lifted. All the doubt. All the worry. All the fear - the fear of looking stupid, of being wrong, of being rejected and lied to by the One who swore to never do those things. Everything I was worried about - that burden I had been piling up and carrying since Carrie's death - was broken.
Because I realized, even IF He deceived me - I would still rather have Him.
And so I don't have to worry about whether or not He lied. Because, even IF He did, I would still rather have Him.
And now, after finally coming to this places of "Acceptance with Joy," I know more than ever that He wouldn't truly deceive me.
That doesn't make since, eh?
I see why Much Afraid thought she was being deceived. But, the truth was, it was all part of helping her develop Hinds Feet. It all was for the purpose of fulfilling what He had promised her.
I don't know what else to say about this.
It was amazing.
God is amazing.
I would still rather have Him.
......................
So then, Saturday:
Got up early to get SS's bday present at WalMart. Went to get coffee with SS. Then we went to (drum roll, please) IKEA!!! *woot* It is the most AWESOME place EVER!!!
Girls, seriously, when you come visit for a few days, we HAVE to go to IKEA for one of them!
I got so much cool stuff! I'm totally stoked to see the finished product!
So we didn't get back until almost 6pm. Then SS and Ging came over, and we all talked until well past midnight.
Great fun.
Sunday, I got up, went to church with baby and hubby. Came home, took a 3 hour nap, and had a generally smooth relaxing afternoon.
I felt completely drunk in the Spirit this weekend. It was awesome.
You know why?
Because...
I would still rather have Him.