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So, it's Monday morning, and I have to apologize for the lack of updates last week. I can't say I was too busy, but I was trying to prioritize my work load here at the office.
I'm fasting the entire month of May. No sweets, and only two meats (poultry or fish)a week. At the same time, the Lord has made it very clear that this fast is not about the "rules" of what I can and cannot eat. It's simply about hearing him on a play-by-play basis.
I am fasting May because I feel like something really awesome is coming in June.
I might also end up fasting June too because Lou Engel is calling for a 40-day fast leading up to The Call Nashville. (Which, by the way, EVERYONE needs to be at because it's going to be AWESOME!!!)
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Like you, AB, I too have started going to counseling again. I haven't gone since I was in elementary school, and I honestly thought all this crap was over and done with. I thought, "I've been completely freed from that, I don't need any more counseling."
Hehe... shows what I know.
It all started at the beginning of the year. You see, since B and I have been married, we have been in this kind of cycle. We'll have several REALLY GOOD weeks. We are in love. We are content. We are happy.
But then we'll have a week from HELL.
We fight the whole week. I start thinking he doesn't love me. I start wondering if he's cheating on me or if he has been thinking about cheating on me. I check his phone log. If he goes out with the guys, I get upset. I tell him he's being distant and neglectful. He tells me I'm acting crazy. It's awful!
As some of you may remember, January was one of the worst months (as far as our fighting is concerned) that we have had in a while. And when I prayed about it, the Lord kept repeating the phrase, "Foxes in the vineyard."
I knew what that meant. I knew that we had little things that, if not dealt with, could ruin our marriage. But I didn't know what those little things were. I didn't know how to deal with them. Was it me? Was it him? Was it life circumstances?
And so, over the past several months, the Lord has been revealing these "little" things to me.
So far, He has only shown me the issues that **I** have that are contributing to this cycle.
Apparently, I still have an irrational fear of being cheated on or rejected.
Boooo.
Last weekend, the Lord showed me a picture of what is going on with me:
I was in a large room, like a gymnasium, and I was dancing and running around the room. Three of the walls were regular, wooden walls. The fourth wall was a large brick wall with a small opening in the bottom (about 1'x3'). Behind this brick wall was a small hidden room. And in this room, there was a large garbage back (that went up to the ceiling) that was full of trash (mostly empty boxes). The opening of this bag was down near the opening of the brick wall. Every now and then, something would fall out of this bag, come through the opening in the brick wall, and trip me up while I was dancing around. So I would stop, pick up the junk, and throw it over the brick wall on top of the other trash. That would begin a shifting in the pile of trash. By the time the entire thing had shifted down, another piece of trash would fall out and trip me up.
I feel like the large room represents all the areas where the Lord has already freed me. That room used to be FULL of crap, but now I have the freedom to run and dance in that place. But I still have this little hidden room (one that I'm not even sure I knew was there) that is storing up the remainder of the junk. And this junk is coming out (in a cycle) and tripping me up in my freedom.
And so, after praying about it and seeking the Lord's will, I feel like I need a third party's help. I can't do this on my own. So, I'm going to my boss's wife, FB. I really enjoy talking with her, and her personality is a lot like mine. I already feel comfortable with her, and she already knows about my life. She is also a spirit-filled Christian who can help me gain the Lord's perspective on this whole situation.
When I prayed about it, I felt like she is who I am supposed to be going to.
So, every Tuesday afternoon, I am meeting with her to discuss my "issues."
I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it. I have been to counseling when I was very young, and it was a very painful experience. And all throughout middle and high school, when the Lord was healing me, it was scary and painful.
It's easier to hide it away. To not think about it. To pretend it's not there.
But I have been doing that for so long, I am starting to have AWFUL dreams about Brandon cheating on me or betraying me.
Gosh. I can't even start to write about those.
It's all so painful. And I'm sick of it. I really thought it was finished.
Crap.
But, anyways, I'm going to try to have a positive attitude.
It might be painful for a season, but in the end, our "vineyard" will be a much better place.
So. That's all for today, I suppose.
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I'll finish on a funny note:
from ajokeaday.com:
A truck driver was sitting down in a small roadside diner, minding his own business, and having a plate of spaghetti and a beer. Before long, about 30 of the nastiest, meanest looking bikers come roaring in to the parking lot and boisterously enter the diner -- taking over the tiny place. The macho leader notices the trucker in the corner and goes over to "mark the territory." He starts giving the trucker hard time, but the trucker is not to be provoked. Soon the leader is frustrated by the trucker's lack of response and he dumps the trucker's spaghetti plate right on his head. The trucker is covered with noodles and sauce is dripping down his face. He tells the leader he doesn't want any trouble and cleans away the mess with a towel provided by the proprietor. The leader is not done with his provocation -- he tells the trucker he's a lily-livered sissy and dumps the trucker's beer right in his lap. The trucker shoots to his feet -- the room is silent. The bikers think they're finally gonna see some action -- but the trucker just saunters over to the cash register, settles the check and strides out the door. A minute or two pass and the leader decides to have the last word, "THAT GUY SURE ISN'T MUCH OF A MAN!" About 10 seconds of silence follow-- THE SILENCE IS SHATTERED BY THE SOUND OF MANGLED METAL AND THE WORDS OF THE DINER PROPRIETOR..."AND HE SURE ISN'T MUCH OF A DRIVER EITHER. LOOKS LIKE HE JUST RAN OVER MOST OF THOSE HARLEYS IN THE PARKING LOT!"