A Shift In the Mind
So, I've been thinking a lot about my future today.
At one point, I really had a strong desire to do insurance. I had plans to get my own agency and all that jazz.
But now, I'm totally bored with it. I've seen the ins and outs of a working agency, and I don't think it's worth it.
It's a huge commitment for a lengthy amount of time. And, while there is good money to be made, it takes a lot of time and energy to make it.
And so, the rose colored glasses have slowly but surely been taken off, and I think I have come to the realization that this is not for me.
But that poses a *small* problem.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
I was going to be a lawyer. But I hated my pre-law classes.
When I realized how much I hated law, I was working full-force in the insurance agency. So I think that is immediately where my mind went.
There is, of course, a deeper reason for this shift. It's something that I think I am just now realizing.
When I was younger, a freshman in high school, I made the decision that I would be a career woman. I did not want to fall in love or get married or have kids or any of that jazz. I wanted to have a very simple, non-emotional, no-risk career. That began to define who I was. I was career-minded, and that's all.
It was a defense mechanism. A career can never hurt me emotionally. It cannot reject me. I get out of a career exactly what I put into it. If I work hard for it, it will work for me. I will be self-sufficient and not need a man. Because I will have my own money. My own time commitments. My own life.
So, starting in 9th grade, I went from making B's and C's to making all A's. I joined every club and organization that I thought would look good on my transcript.
Marching band. Concert band. Chorus. Vocal Ensemble. Debate. Drama.
I volunteered in the community. I won competitions in music, writing, and academics.
I was, in general, a nerd.
But, I knew that all these things were helping me accomplish my goal - to have a career that fulfilled me.
Of course, I met B. And the Lord changed my heart in that area. I got married, had a baby, etc.
But I have still been very career minded. I have found myself saying to several people, "I would rather work full time and hire someone to run my house and/or watch my kids."
However, I'm not really sure if that is true.
I think the Lord is slowly changing my identity.
I'm bored with the thought of having a career. It holds no appeal.
And when I say career, I mean the "traditional" nine-to-five, climb-the-corporate-ladder, make-as-much-money-as-you-can career.
I want to make money, sure. But I want to find another way to do it. Or I want my husband to do it.
And my purpose for making my money has changed too.
Before, I wanted to make money so I wouldn't be dependent on a man.
Even after marriage, I have always thought, "I need to be able to support myself in case 'something happens' with our marriage."
Again, it's a self-protective defense mechanism.
It's automatic.
Hm. I'm not sure I'm saying this right.
Here has been my pattern of thinking...
I want to have a career.
I want to achieve the highest position I can in that career.
I want this, so I can make money and have "status."
I want money so that I can support myself if "something happpens."
I want status so that people don't feel sorry for me if "something happens."
Does that make sense?
And now, I'm beginning to see the fear that has been driving me for over 8+ years.
Everything I have been motivated to do has come from a sense of self-preservation.
Even the duplexes that we have bought. I have had the thought, almost by instinct, "If B ever cheats on me, I will make sure that **I** get the duplexes, and THAT will be my financial security."
What if B ever leaves me? I want to be able to take care of myself.
That's what I have been thinking, first consciously, then subconsciously, for a third of my life.
How scary is that?
The decisions I have made.
The paths I have taken.
The things I have pursued.
All based out of an attitude of fear and defense.
Yeah.
I know.
...
So now, I have a rather intense, and kind of exciting question that is facing me:
What do I want to do with my life?
Do I WANT to work?
If so, do I want to work in a corporate career?
Insurance?
Law?
Art?
Music?
Drama?
Interior Design?
Management Training?
Social Work?
Teaching?
Child Care?
Hair stylist?
Stay-at-home mom?
Volunteer?
This possibilities are basically endless.
And it's kind of scary.
Because, you see, I really don't know who I am any more.
I have always been a "career woman."
THAT is what has driven every decision I have made.
With almost every move (including having a baby) I have thought, "How is this going to affect my career goals?"
But now, I'm not even sure I want those goals.
And, if that's the case, how will I make those decisions?
"Listen."
That's what the Lord just said to me.
"Listen."
Listen to what?
"To your desires."
Hm. That seems a little self absorbed, doesn't it?
"I have given you the desires of your heart. Listen."
...........
So, here I am.
I feel like my whole life is changing.
The way I look at my marriage has changed after just one counseling session.
I realize that I don't have to settle for this.
And now, the way I look at my career is changing.
Where do I go from here?
It's just so different.
It's a new mindset.
It's very scary.
And a little exciting.
It's free.
That's the coolest part.
......................
One thing that I have been seriously thinking about is this:
Working with my stepdad M.
He does management training.
He says I need to finish my BA.
Then he will pay for me to get an MBA.
Then I can start working with him.
One day of training = $1500.
I could work one day a month and make as much as I'm making right now working all month long.
So, I wonder, would it be worth it for me to go ahead and quit now? I could go back to school full-time in the fall and graduate by May 2008. I could have my MBA by Dec 2009 (if I worked year-round).
And I could be making great money, figuring my own schedule, and basically doing what I want on days that I'm not training.
How cool is that?
I have always said "no" to him when he has offered before, mainly because it's not a position where I would be able to "climb the ladder," so to speak.
But, now, I'm not so sure all that matters.
......
So, anyways, it's a whole new future for me now.
The fear stuff is still there.
But, at least now I know it's there.
That means I can let the Lord start dealing with it.
So, I suppose that's all for today.
.............
EIGHT days until THE BAHAMAS!!!!!