The Yellow Daffodils and a Whole New Kind of Wish List
Popular Bahamian song:
Pa'ty in my back ya'd
Pa'ty on my lawn
Rakin' scrapin' 'til da mo'nin' come
I'm gonna pa'ty 'til da break o' dawn.
E'erybody!
Pa'ty in my back ya'd
Pa'ty on my lawn
Rakin' scrapin' 'til da mo'nin' come
I'm gonna pa'ty 'til da break o' dawn.
Mama don' like no rakin' 'n' scrapin' in he'e
Mama don' like no rakin' 'n' scrapin' in he'e
I don' car what da people say
We gonna rake 'n' scrape 'til da break o' day
Mama don' like no rakin' 'n' scrapin' in he'e.
......................
Classy, no?
......................
Bahama trip was good. It was overcast most of the time; so I didn't get much sun.
BUT we DID win an egg toss and received TWO LITERS of RUM as our prize.
Isn't that wonderful!?!
Hehe... especially considering the fact that neither of us drinks rum.
Good stuff.
It's a good story to tell the grand kids about.
........................
While I don't want to spend this entire entry on it, I am quite perturbed at my in laws right now.
Apparently, they dragged my little girl all over town this weekend, disregarding her schedule completely.
She was up past her bed time every night, including the night I went to pick her up. How do I know this? I arrived at their house an hour past her bed time last night. They were not home. They were at Dairy Queen because BOTH soft ball teams had one their game.
Interpretation: my daughter had been at the ball park for well over four hours, during her late afternoon nap time, and then taken to DQ where she was fed ice cream at 9pm and kept up what turned out to be almost two hours past her bed time.
That all is well and good for a seven year old. But NOT for an eight month old.
Result: I could not even turn my back to her this morning without her SCREAMING her head off! I was clingy and shaky every time I tried to put her down, like she was TERRIFIED I would leave her again!
To top it all off: I changed her diaper this morning, only to find that my little girl, who has maybe had two little spots of diaper rash IN HER LIFE had a bottom COVERED in raw, red bumps.
Interpretation: The in-laws were too busy dragging my 8-month-old daughter to all their social events to stop and change her diaper enough!!!
.................
Okay... rant over... live and learn. THAT will not happen again.
.................
In other news...
Last week, at the end of my counseling session, FB and I spent a long time praying. We prayed specifically that the Lord would give me a Rama Word about my marriage. Her exact words were, "Give [fellikerain] a picture of what You see, Lord."
I think I got that last night in the form of a dream:
I was at a football stadium with my former band director, my mom, and a bunch of other ladies. Mr.C (my band director) was filming the football game, and he asked me to take over for a few minutes so he could go get something. I took the camera, but every time I tried to film, the "station" on the screen would change. I was trying to film the football game, but a soap opera or the news kept popping up on the screen of the camera.
Then Mr.C came back with a HUGE arm-full of assorted yellow flower arrangements. He said, "Pick which ever one you like." I reached in the pile of flowers and pulled out a little handful of yellow daffodils and grass. I was excited about them because daffodils are my favorite flower, but I was also a little bit disappointed by the small arrangement. Despite how I felt, I acted really excited about them because I didn't want him to think I wasn't grateful. I said, "This is my FAVORITE kind of flower! I'm SO GLAD I got THIS ONE!" (I think it is important to note that there were more daffodils in his hands that I could have gotten, but I felt too embarrassed to ask for more because (again) I thought I should be grateful for what I had.)
I wasn't lying. Daffodils ARE my favorite flower, but I was still disappointed about the arrangement. I tried to make myself feel better and be happy that I got flowers at all!
Then he began to pass the flowers out to the other women, including my mom.
They got HUGE bouquets of yellow roses and carnations and exotic tropical flowers.
I walked up to a group of the ladies with their flowers, and mine suddenly began to wilt.
I started feeling ashamed of my little handful. They all looked at me like they felt sorry for me, but they didn't want to say anything. They gave me that "Aww, poor-little-girl-with-her-little-handful-of -wilting-flowers" look.
I was embarrassed and ashamed of my flowers, but I tried to look like I was really happy about them. I kept saying to the ladies, "I'm so glad I got these! They are my favorite kind of flower! All they need is a little water! I just need to go home and get some water for them!"
The whole time I was standing with that group of women, I kept feeling like I really needed to go home. Both from embarrassment and from the need to put my flowers in water.
And then I woke up.
Interpretation:
I think the whole camera thing represents what FB and I talked about during my first session. I need to get my focus where it belongs. I can't do a good job at being a wife if my focus is continually shifting. I need to focus on the play-by-play of what God is doing in my marriage, and nothing else, for a while.
As for the flowers - this was hard for me to swallow.
Mr.C represents God (for reasons that are too in depth to discuss in this entry).
And the flowers represent relationships, mainly marriage.
And He asked me what I wanted, and I picked my favorite flower. But I only chose a few along with some grass. The arrangement was pretty, but it wasn't very substantial and certainly not very hardy.
Like in my marriage, I chose to marry B because he is my FAVORITE person in the WHOLE WORLD. But I "graciously accepted" less of him and less of our relationship than what I could have gotten. I said, "This is enough for me, I don't want to look ungrateful."
But, in reality, God wants me to have more.
Then I walked up to others, and saw their flower (or relationships) and suddenly realized that mine was not what it could or should be.
But I denied having any problems with it.
Again, I didn't want to look ungrateful.
I told everybody we were fine. We just needed "a little water."
But the truth is that once picked flowers start to fade, they do not come back.
And I kept wanting to get home because I was so ashamed and wanted to try to save my flowers in private.
And that is how I have been handling my marriage. I haven't wanted to get help because I thought we could handle it on our own.
"All we need is a little time at home, to ourselves," is what I would tell myself.
But the truth is that it wasn't the lack of water that destroyed my flowers. And it wasn't the flower itself. It was the fact that I didn't choose the quantity and quality arrangement that I could have chosen.
Meaning: In the beginning of our marriage, and even before, I settled for less than the Lord's best for our relationship because I didn't want to ask for more and seem ungrateful.
Besides, the Lord DID give me "my favorite flower," and there are a lot of girls who don't even have that! I have a good life! I should be ashamed to want more! Yes, Lord, thank you, Lord, I'm grateful, Lord, no I don't want more, thank you, Lord.
The whole time, He was standing there saying, "TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT!!"
And I see so clearly how my thinking about B was wrong.
I thought, "I will always be a stronger spiritual leader than him because he just doesn't have that personality or drive. Besides, I married a good Christian man. Who am I to expect more?"
The whole time, the Lord was saying, "ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT!! I'M GIVING YOU WHAT YOU WANT!"
And that is just one of the areas. I could make a LOOOOONG list of other things that I SHOULD have asked for and expected... BUT I SETTLED FOR LESS THAN WHAT MY HEART DESIRED.
And that led us here.
To a wilting marriage that we try to keep alive by florescent lights and stale water.
When I first realized what the dream meant, I was frustrated and scared.
I didn't understand why the Lord would give me a picture of a marriage that ended like that... just wilting away.
But as I write this now, I see a picture of Jesus standing in front of me with a HUGE bouquet of yellow flowers. And He's saying to me, "Pick the ones you want."
I feel like He has opened my eyes to what I COULD have in this marriage, and has given me permission and boldness to ask for it and not to settle.
It's an exciting and scary place to stand.
I think I'm going to go make my wish list...