Thoughts from the Vacation
Welp, I'm back from my vacations. Great fun.
Both vacations turned out to be quite relaxing and enjoyable, thankyouverymuch.
CJ did fine on the plane. She cried on the way there because she was teething, and I didn't know it. So, of course, the second we get on the plane, she starts wining and complaining. I didn't know what was wrong with her until I stuck my finger in her mouth (sometimes she sucks on it and quiets down) and I realized a little tooth was poking through.
So, on the ride back, we had her all drugged up, and she was fine.
There was, however, one conversation that I had, that the Lord used to really challenge me.
I was talking with C about our respective lives, and she said, "I have everything I ever wanted as a little girl. Growing up, I always dreamed of having a husband and a house and a cat and a dog and kids. Now I have that, and I am determined to be happy where I am."
And I realized, I really have NO IDEA what I want.
I'm not sure I've ever known.
Every decision I have ever made, everything I have wanted, in regards to my future, has been built out of a spirit of distrust, fear, and self-preservation.
And, again, I go back to the dream with the yellow flowers. I feel the Lord standing here asking me, "What do you want?"
And the answer: I have no idea.
It's a scary place to be.
I honestly have no clue.
I don't know what "normal" is.
And, for that matter, I'm not sure I really even WANT "normal."
I just don't know.
But what is pounding through my heart and mind these days is this: I want to know what I should want.
I want to sit with Jesus as He shows me what is good for my life.
What should I pursue?
What should be released?
What should I hope for?
What should I avoid?
I want to know what He would want, if He were in my place.
There is no deep reason for this. It's not that I'm a super Christian who "only wants what God wants" or who constantly asks "What would Jesus do?"
It's simply this: The Lord has brought me to a place of complete unknowing. It's new territory. I'm scared. I'm a little confused.
It's lower than any place I have been before. Because, before, my question has always been, "Which path do I take to get me to my destination?"
Now, I have no hope of finding a path because I don't even know what my destination is.
All I can do is sit, and wait, and let Him tell me where to head.
And while it's one of the lowest places I have ever been, it is also one of the deepest places I have ever been. I am so very hungry and thirsty for the things of God.
But not like I have ever been before.
Before, I wanted to see power and miracles and amazing displays of God's authority.
Now, all I want, all I need, is to know Him. And know His desires for me.
Hm. I'm not sure I'm saying all this correctly.
I'm not depressed or frustrated or upset.
I'm humbled. Absolutely humbled.
I realize that I have been walking in a black and white world for most of my life, thinking that I've been walking in total color.
And it's as if someone has just told me what real color is like and that it is out there.
But for someone who has never seen all the different colors, they would not know what to look for. They would only know that it's out there and that they want it.
Does that make sense?
That is where I am. I KNOW that what I am looking for, and what God has for me, is out there. I'm just not sure what it looks like or which way to head to get it.
And so, for right now, I want to sit and talk with the Creator of the "colors" so I can learn exactly what I need to be looking for and pursuing.
Does that make sense?
Maybe not.
Still. It makes sense to me.
I am supposed to be still right now.
"Be still, and know that I am God."
I am supposed to sit and listen.
I am supposed to come back to my First Love.
Because He knows what is best for me and my life and my family.
And He knows how to get there.
So, maybe I don't know what I want, except this: I know I want God.