Confessions about weight...
This is one of those days when I wish I could just write in here for nobody. Just for me.
This diary used to be that way.
And then I let people in.
It's a good thing, in the long run.
But occasionally I really need a day just for me, ya know?
Anyways, here goes...
I'm really feeling badly about myself today.
I have been SO BAD with my eating this week, and I don't even know why.
It's terrible.
I don't know what my issue is. I really don't.
I mean, I couldn't wait for B to leave the house some days so that I could go get a big ol' honkin' bowl of ice cream without him knowing it.
How sad is that?
I don't think I'm emotional.
And I'm not really bored.
I honestly don't know why I ALWAYS have an urge to eat... even when I am not hungry.
I mean, it has to be some kind of psychological thing... because there is no physical reason for it...
I'm not hungry most of the times that I eat, and I usually feel absolutely miserable when I'm finished.
Half the time, I don't even taste the food as it's going down.
So what is the deal?
Why all the food?
And it's times like this when I want to go back to early middle school... the days of eating nearly nothing... and occasionally puking...
It was so easy.
But, alas, that was actually the beginning of my REAL weight problem.
Yeah, I read all about it.
I mean, I wasn't THAT big in middle school.
I was "average" according to my doctor. "It's the other girls who are too small" he told me.
He was the doctor. I should have listened.
But in my tiny little private school, where looks were everything, I was one of the larger girls.
I wish I had known then what I know now... I am not "designed" to be tiny. I am "big boned," as they say.
That doesn't mean fat.
It just means I should be a size 10-12, not a size 0-2.
But I couldn't see that. And no one could convince me otherwise.
I was fat. That's how I saw it. I was taller than the other girls and bigger than the other girls and louder than the other girls and less athletic than the other girls...
I was not "average" as my doctor had told me.
I was a monster... an oaf... at least, that is what I saw.
And so I stopped eating.
Nothing for breakfast.
An apple for lunch.
Green beans for dinner (if anything at all).
Of course, with my little bit of self-control and my huge bit of emotional baggage, I didn't keep it up for long.
So I started throwing up.
That part didn't last long.
A few weeks maybe.
After puking, I felt weak in the knees and shaky.
My face started looking all ghostly.
People kept asking me if I felt okay.
And then there was that night in youth group...
I was so angry at God.
I said, "Why would you make me like this? Why would you do this to me? If you loved me, why would you make me look like this while everyone else looks like that?"
And one of the guys from our band came down off the platform and began to pray for me.
He was telling me how beautiful God thought I was. How I was made perfectly for my calling... etc.
I would like to say that everything changed that night. I would love to tell you that I never starved myself or purged again.
But that's not really the case.
Still, things got better.
I did start eating again.
I still saw myself as a cow.
Gosh... I look back at pictures of myself and think, "What was I thinking?! I was VERY normal."
Since then, I have read about it.
Apparently, when a person puts her body through "starvation" for a long period of time (more than a couple months) and then starts eating normally again, every time that person gets hungry, her body goes into "survival mode" and starts storing fat.
Yeah.
So, the bottom line is that I got really fat after that time.
I hit my max weight in 10th grade.
198lbs.
I got on the scales one morning and realized, "Oh my gosh! If I don't do something, I am going to pass 200!!!!"
I was more mature in my Christian walk then.
I loved myself, for maybe the first time in my life.
I made comments like, "Girls were meant to have curves and soft places. It's what makes us so good at comforting and loving - we are comfortable and lovable."
And so I started treating myself right.
I ate an apple for breakfast. Some pretzels, fruit, and yogurt for lunch. I came straight home from school. From 3:30-3:00, I did Tae Bo. From 4:00-5:00 I watched Oprah and drank lots of water. 5:00-6:00 I ate dinner with my family (in small portions)took a shower.
I really took care of myself. I got lots of sleep. Ate really well. I was good to myself.
And I lost 50lbs.
By the time I graduated, I weighed 150lb.
This was a good weight for me.
I still wasn't tiny, but I was healthy.
But... hehe... and here's the kicker... I STILL thought of myself as fat!!!
I STILL thought I was bigger than all the other girls! I STILL didn't want to change in front of people in the locker room. I STILL wore baggy clothes that covered everything up.
Because *I* was the fat girl.
That's how I saw myself.
It wasn't until Freshmen year in college when I think I finally realized that I was NOT THAT FAT.
I can remember the exact moment that it dawned on me.
February 2003, Freshmen Dorm, getting ready to see B for the first time in a month. He was coming to visit me for Valentine's Day weekend.
It was cold.
I had nothing to wear, except a x-large faded red sweater.
I said something to C about having nothing to wear, and she pulled out a beautiful almost-new red sweater.
It was super fuzzy and had beads around the collar.
I was so excited about wearing it, until I looked at the size.
Medium.
Dang.
I said, "I really don't think I can wear this. Medium is too small for me."
She said, "Well, just try it on and see."
I did.
And it fit!!!
That is when I suddenly realized that I was not the fat girl any more!
I felt thin, for the first time in my life.
It wasn't too long after that when I went on a MAJOR shopping spree for the summer. New swim suit. New tops. New shorts and SKIRTS! That's right! I was wearing short skirts for the FIRST TIME EVER! And they looked GOOD!
Then I came back from freshmen year. I was eating the same way most college students do, but I stopped going to he gym and I no longer had to walk across campus.
I sat at a desk all day.
And when I wasn't at work, I was planning a wedding.
I gained 20lbs.
Then I lost 10lbs, so I could fit into my dress.
From that point on, I gained and gained and gained some more.
The funny thing is that I didn't even realize I was gaining.
It LITERALLY felt like it happened over night.
I remember waking up one morning, and my suit pants (which I had worn the week before) would no longer button.
I also remember putting on lingerie for my husband, and looking in the mirror only to be SHOCKED by a roll of back-fat that had suddenly formed.
And all through the weight gain, I still saw myself as "thin."
How is that for cruel irony?
When I had a reason to be proud of my looks, I thought I was fat.
And when I should have SLAPPED myself into working out, I thought I was thin.
I passed 200lbs without a thought.
I had gotten out of the habit of checking the scale a long time before.
At 225lbs, I got pregnant.
I gained 50lbs during the pregnancy.
That's right, after I pushed that baby out, I weighed a WHOPPING 275lbs.
The really sad part... it has gone up since then.
At one point in the past 9 months, I weighed in at 282lbs.
Yes. That's right.
282.
And my thought when that happened, "I have GOT to do something because I am pushing 300!!"
Luckily, the Daniel's Fast was coming up.
I lost 15lbs in a month.
I was at 167.
Then I gained 7 back.
So, guess what?
I'm back at 275lbs today.
Yes. That's right.
I have not lost ONE pound since the day my baby was born.
Would you like to know why?
So would I.
I have no motivation.
I just don't care anymore.
I mean, I do care. I care that I'm fat. I hate it. I hate looking at myself in the mirror some days. I hate shopping because I can only find clothes at a very limited number of stores.
I wear a sports bra all the time because my boobs are too big for normal bras.
My thighs rub together when I walk. That is one reason that I NEVER wear dresses or skirts.
In over half of my pictures, I have a double chin.
My husband literally uses my love handles like love handles.
My stomach gets in the way when I am trying to shave.
My size 22 clothes are too tight.
I weigh more than some of the people on "Biggest Loser."
I am embarrassed to get up in front of people and speak.
I am even MORE embarrassed to sit in front of people and speak... especially when my butt is bigger than the seat I'm sitting in.
So with all this JUNK that I am complaining about, I am sure you are wondering, "Why don't you just lose weight?!"
I am wondering the same thing.
It seems so easy.
Eat less.
Move more.
Eat less.
Move more.
Eat less.
Move more.
Eat less.
Move more.
How difficult is that?
It doesn't have to be a fad diet.
I don't have to deprive myself of anything and everything that tastes good.
Eat less.
Move more.
So... here is the bottom line... the reason I am writing all this.
I really need the Lord's help.
I need a new mind when it comes to my weight and my food.
I need to see myself the way HE sees me.
I need to see food the way HE sees it.
I need to see exercise the way HE sees it.
That's the bottom line.
I'm so frustrated right now.
I just can't do it.
I can't.
I need Him to do it.
That's all.
I am thinking about starting a video diary on YouTube.
Here is the reason:
I never really know what size I am until I see myself in a picture or video. So, in order to keep myself motivated, and in order to keep a record of what I am doing, I think I should record what's going on.
What do you think?