What man may say...
I have ten minutes before class starts; so I'll try to make this quick.
I don't understand how people do full-time ministry for years and years and years.
I've only been doing it a couple months, and already I feel on the brink of burnout.
It's so difficult... to constantly be having to prove myself.
I'm so young, I guess. They don't understand I've been in leadership positions in ministry my entire life.
I wrote in an email a fairly detailed account of ONE episode out of MANY:
"For me, last night was really not-so-great. I don't want to get into it, but I was really upset at the end of the night over the way some of the stuff was handled in children's church. Basically, I brought them up for the last 20 minutes of service so that they could see what was going on, and I could explain to them about the move of the Holy Spirit. As soon as I brought them in, three ushers jumped in my face: "WE CAN'T HAVE THESE KIDS DISRUPTING THE SERVICE! WE'VE NEVER SEEN GOD MOVE LIKE THIS, AND THESE KIDS CAN'T BE RUNNING AROUND EVERYWHERE!"
I basically just ignored them and continued to seat the kids in the balcony with me. Finally one of them said, "GOD IS DOING SOMETHING AWESOME; THESE KIDS CAN'T BE HERE!"
haha... I got so mad, I turned around and pointed my finger in that usher's face, and I said, "THAT'S EXACTLY WHY THEY NEED TO BE HERE!!!!"
So they all finally left us alone, and it became an amazing teaching time. One kid said, "Why is my mama in the floor? Is she okay?" So I gathered them all around me and let them ask questions. "Why are there bottles of oil on the stage? How did he know that woman was sick? Why is he touching that guys face?" It was amazing! They were sitting in my lap and cuddled up next to me while I explained the move of the Holy Spirit!
So... at the end of the night, I was so frustrated with the adults... and so thrilled with what had happened with the kids... I just sat in the empty church and cried for a while."
Now... this wouldn't be such an exhausting thing on its own, but the fact is that almost every time I walk into the church doors, I struggle to convince people that I am capable of doing this job.
I don't know.
In the meantime, I have asked two ladies to mentor me. This is very exciting for me, as I have never had a mentor before.
One of them is an older lady in the church. She has 2 grown kids and several grandchildren. Her husband is a deacon in the church, and she is still doing hard-core ministry. She is the one who is in charge of organizing and preparing the meals for the kids on Wednesday nights.
I really want to learn from her how to balance ministry and marriage and family and personal time with the Lord and all that stuff.
The second lady is actually Pastor B (PB) the associate pastor at NCWC.
I have observed two categories of women in ministry. Of course, this is a generalization and there are exceptions to these categories.
The first woman I have seen in ministry is the push-over. She works her fingers to the bone because she's too "sweet" to ask somebody else to do something. She says "yes" to everything she is asked to do, and she is there every time the church doors are open - first one there, last one to leave.
These women are tired. When do they have time to sleep? To play with their kids? To have sex?
They are so busy, and so worn out.
I just can't be that kind of woman in ministry. I can't. It wears me out just thinking about them.
Then there is the other woman in ministry. This woman is more like a man. She is dominant, and bulldog-ish. It's her way or the highway, and nobody should get in her way because this is HER ministry. She is as territorial and protective as a mother bear... on speed. Men don't respect her... they're scared of her. With all due respect, this woman is a first-class bitch.
But she isn't that way because she enjoys it. She is that way because she thinks it's the only way to get the respect she needs to do the ministry she is called to do.
I understand this. I understand that, as a woman, it is SO DIFFICULT to stand in a place of authority in the church.
Honestly, I would probably have the tendency to be more like this second woman.
Dominant. Overbearing. Task-oriented. Whatever it takes to get the job done.
Just like a man.
But I am not called to be like a man. I am called to hold a place of authority in a distinctively feminine way. I don't have to lose my tender heart or throw out my love for people in order to walk in authority.
I am CREATED to have authority AS A WOMAN.
From what I observe, PB has achieved this in a way that I have never seen. She is beautiful, and soft, and feminine, and comforting... but she holds the respect of men and women in churches across the nation.
I want to learn how to do that.
Right now, it doesn't seem possible.
It seems like I will forever be pointing my finger in the face of ushers DEMANDING that they allow me to do my ministry.
It seems like I will forever walk into the church with the knowledge that nobody will take me seriously unless I "put my foot down."
But that is why I need to be mentored by PB.
Because it is possible.
It is possible to be a feminine leader in the church.
It is.
I've seen it.
It is possible.
I just have to keep telling myself that.
And do you know what silly scene keeps playing through my mind?
When I was in 9th grade, I had the most amazing experience with the Lord thus far. It was the first time I really heard His voice. In my quiet time, the Spirit fell in my bedroom, and I lay on the floor for hours, saying, "Holy, holy, holy... holy is the Lord..." over and over, while the Lord downloaded a destiny into my spirit.
I don't talk about it much because it was so intense. And, like Joseph, if I share this experience with the wrong people, it could be taken badly and all that...
There were three main themes from that night, and I can quote exactly what the Lord said to me:
1. The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few.
2. Mighty men will fall in your presence because of My Presence in your life.
3. Speak forth in boldness.
There were several other things that were about the church, and not just about me.
I went to the vice principle of my school (a Christian school) and told him about some of these things that the Lord had told me about the church. It was nothing super weird or prophetic... basically along the lines of #1 above.
I asked him if I could just have 10 minutes in chapel to talk about the revelations I had received about those verses. I told him I didn't really want to talk about that night for the reasons I stated above (Joseph and all that). I just wanted to talk about the revelation that came out of it. And that is what I felt the Lord leading me to talk about. So I asked him. And he said...
And I will never forget what he said:
"I'm not sure if that will work. I think what you are saying is good, but the issue that I am having is that... well... women aren't supposed to give messages. If you want to give it like a testimony, you know, talk about what the Lord is teaching YOU, that would be fine. But women really aren't supposed to preach."
Since coming into this position at the church, those words have been shooting through my mind almost constantly.
I know he was wrong... deceived, I guess.
But this morning, I recognize that those words have acted like a curse in my life.
Right after the Lord had told me that great men would fall in my presence and that I should "speak forth in boldness," the Devil used this man to curse what the Lord had set forth in me.
"Women aren't really supposed to preach."
What a lie!!!
Wow... I am definitely going to have to pray about this when I get out of class.
Hm.
Anyways... it's difficult right now.
I still love my job, and I'm content with life... but his job is still difficult.
I guess I have to rely on the Lord all the more.
...............
I'm going to IKEA today. *woot* Pray for sales and blessings because I'm picking out stuff for children's church.
Okay... I should probably pay attention in class now.
Bye!