A new mind
Tonight is one of those nights I could sleep out on my screened porch, soaking in the cool breeze and listening to the rain fall on my tin roof...
... if only I had a tin roof...
... or a screened porch for that matter.
The Daniel's fast has come and gone. While I had no real steadfast goals for the fast, I simply told the Lord that I was fasting for my family - for my husband and my baby and myself.
And in the last week of the fast, something broke in me... or, more accurately... it broke off me.
I don't really know how to explain it.
I have felt so unhappy for so long - it's like I didn't know how to be happy.
Does that make sense?
Throughout the past two years, I have worked in a dead-end job that at times I hated, I was in a marriage that was semi-stable at best, and I felt I had no control over my life. It wasn't just that I had no control - it felt as if it were spinning completely out of control - even out of the Lord's control.
I don't think I realized how miserable I was.
I honestly think I just accepted that this was the life I was going to lead.
I can remember on numerous occasions thinking, "What is the point? Where does this stop?"
I can remember seeing myself going down a path that I didn't like - a path not too different from that which my mom took - and seeing no way of getting off. I saw myself never graduating, always working in some middle-income pointless job, struggling to keep my marriage together, living in a tiny house that needed many repairs... I could go on.
And somehow, I had just accepted it.
I think I stopped dreaming or hoping for something better - in every area.
But at the beginning of last week, something happened.
I'm not even sure what it was.
I had a dream from the Lord, but I can't remember what it was. How do I know it was from the Lord? Because in the dream itself, I said to everyone around me, "This is a dream from the Lord."
The only thing I remember is a square plot of green grass and a HUGE pair of scissors (like, the size of a football field) lying on the grass. There were other things on the grass and other things that happened in the dream, but that's all I can remember.
But I woke up the next morning with - well - the only way I know how to explain it is "a lack of heaviness."
It was like hope had been restored.
But it wasn't just hope to where my life could be someday. It was as if someone opened my eyes to my life as it is right now.
Over the past 10 days, I have progressively become aware of the fact that I am EXACTLY where I want to be right now.
For the first time in a very long time, I am perfectly content where I am.
It's not that I want to stay here forever or that this is my final goal.
But I am no longer facing a dead end.
This revelation really hit home when I visited my old church on Sunday night.
As wonderful as it was to see old friends, it no longer felt like home to me.
But that was not the revelation. The "ah-ha" moment happened after church while I was standing around talking with some friends. Somebody said, "I think I'm just in a bad mood because tomorrow is Monday. I REALLY don't want to go to work tomorrow."
This comment was followed up by a round of "I know what you mean"s and "I hate MOndays"s.
But I remained silent - and a little shocked - because I realized in that moment that I was not dreading Monday.
Monday morning, I would wake up and go to classes that I love (since I was able to change my major). I would be out of class by 11am and home with my daughter by noon. I would eat lunch with my daughter and then go for an hour-long walk with her and a friend. When we would arrive home, we would both take a nap. Afterwards, I would freshen up (so that I look nice for my husband) and start dinner. My husband would be home by 6pm, and I would finish dinner while he would have "quality time" with our daughter. Once everything's cooked, we would all sit down and enjoy our dinner. Soon after, CJ would go to bed while B and I would stay up and bake cookies, watch a movie, and do other "adult" things.
Yes, that is actually how my Monday went.
And Sunday night, as the events that would occur on Monday flashed through my mind, I suddenly realized that my life is pretty perfect right now.
I am where I want to be right now.
Is that weird? Is that abnormal?
Somehow, it feels that way. It feels like something bad is about to happen because it doesn't seem right for life to be like this right now.
This was supposed to be the year from Hell. This was supposed to be crazy busy and stressful and tiring and long.
But somehow, I think it could be the best year we've had since being married.
But it's not just that. It's that I really only see things going up from here.
B's semester of student teaching will be rough because he won't have an income.
But after that, he will start teaching (which means more money and a better schedule). I will be finished with classes (which means less stress and a better schedule). We'll be ready to try for another baby. And we'll be planning to move into our next house. As far as my job goes, I am happy where I am. But it's not just that - I'm in ministry now. I have my foot in the door, and there are so many places the Lord can take me from here.
So, as I said in the beginning, I feel like my hope has been restored.
But there is something else that has broken off while on this fast.
I realized that I had a very critical attitude towards my husband.
Once again, I was stuck in an old mindset.
I was thinking about him now, not based on how he is right now, but based on how he used to be.
The truth is, right now, he is a wonderful husband and father.
He is home early most days (sometimes by 4pm). And the days that he is not home early, I am kind of grateful for the alone time after CJ goes to bed.
And in the midst of all this, there has been a breakthrough in my thought about my weight.
B would tell me all the time that I needed to work out and try to lose weight "for health reasons."
But I think I really had a bad mindset about that. I can remember thinking, "You can't control me."
I realized a couple months ago that I ate the most when I was angry with or hurt by him.
I realize now that I was afraid of losing my identity in this marriage.
I hear so much "Don't lose who you are while trying to make him happy."
I really think I was afraid of that.
But somehow that has changed too.
I have a new mindset.
2 becoming 1.
That is Biblical.
And suddenly, I am willing to give up the whole of who I am - or who I was - and cling to who I am called to be.
Being his wife does not CONFLICT with what I am called to do. It IS what I am called to BE.
So now, I have a desire to lost weight - for him. I want to be the best I can be for him - and that starts with being healthy.
I know this seems backwards and old-fashioned.
But I really do think the Lord has given me a new mind regarding B - and regarding the rest of my life.
Ok... I need to go to bed... I'll try to finish this later.