Psycho - part 2
So... here goes some more...
From the beginning of our marriage, I have felt like he doesn't love me as much as I thought he did when we were dating.
I constantly felt like I was in a sound-proof glass box. I was screaming and yelling and pounding my feet, but all he would do was close his ears or even poke fun at me while I was in there.
That honestly has been my picture.
And even though things have been going so much better, I have had serious issues getting over the pain that all that caused in the beginning.
I really, genuinely, honestly felt like he didn't love me. Or at least didn't love me very much.
Suddenly, it's as if my eyes have eyes have been opened to his side of the story.
It's a difficult pill to swallow. Very difficult.
Here is what I see from his side:
When we were dating, I was his escape from his home life. I was the place he came to when his mom did the things she did.
Then when we got engaged and married, I no longer was that escape for him.
I became the screaming female voice in his home.
I just replaced his mom.
And we have both said that before - that I am a lot like his mom.
I just didn't realize what all that entails until last night.
Without realizing it, he stepped out of one abusive relationship and into another.
And all those years, I thought he had changed so much. I didn't understand why he wouldn't open up to me like he did when we were dating.
When really, I was the one who changed.
When we dated, I was his safe place from his mom.
After we married, I became the voice of his mom.
Gosh.
This is so difficult to deal with. Really, it is.
Even now, I talk to him in a tone and with a look that I would NEVER do to anyone else.
No wonder he thinks I'm "testy."
I can remember as a child, my mom speaking in a certain tone or giving me a certain look that was far beyond discipline. It made me feel about 2cm tall.
I think I use those methods with B on a daily basis.
Why haven't I seen this before?
Well, I know why.
I don't think I have ever been in a place where I was able to accept this.
The Lord has REALLY been teaching me about preferring B above myself... about giving myself wholly and completely to this relationship.... about biting my tongue and thinking first.
Still, it's difficult to see myself that way.
And it's not who I am. a
I think that's maybe what I have thought before - that I am just being more honest with him than I am with anyone else.
But I realize now, that's not true.
I am not that person.
To everyone else in my life (at least I hope) I am a very sincere person.
I care for other's feelings. I want to be a place that people can come to in order to receive the healing and love of the Lord.
But not for him.
For him, I belittle and emasculate and treat him like a child.
Why have I not seen this before?
But, here again, I am realizing that I cannot dwell on or live in the past.
I have to live in (and for) the moment.
Today, I have to be kind.
It seems so simple: be kind.
Gosh.
Ok... now that I have it all out, I do feel better.
I am going to have to continue to pray for the solution and the strength to do what I need to do to earn his trust again.
In the meantime, I really should pay attention in class.
I would LOVE some comments, questions, suggestions about these entries. PLEASE.