psycho - part 1
I went into class about 16 minutes ago. Then about 15 minutes ago, I got up and walked out.
It seemed to overwhelming for me this morning - to sit in class and listen to drivel about economics on an international scale.
I walked in, sat down, and realized that there was NO WAY I would be able to function through three hours of class without getting this junk out of my head. So, I figured I would skip my first class in the hopes that, once I've got all this off my chest, I will be able to focus in the next two classes.
So here I am, with a half hour to pour out my heart in stream-of-conscience style to the internet and Jesus:
I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, like all of the wind has been knocked out of me.
There's so much swimming in my head right now.
I guess I'll start at the beginning, just to get it all out.
B's sister HT came over last night. She is a really sweet girl, and she needed some help on a Lit. paper. We spent about 10 minutes on the paper, and about 3 hours talking about other things.
It was during this talk-time that I found out some very interesting information.
Apparently, since B moved out of his parents house 5 years ago, his mom has "left" his dad at least 4-5 times. She will use any number of reasons, including "you don't make enough money," and then disappear for 2-3 days.
HT (who still lives at home) says that MIL (mother-in-law) was always pulling stunts like that when they were growing up. Throughout our conversation, the word "Psycho" was thrown around more than a few times.
HT talked about what a wonderful man her dad is, and how hard he works to make MIL happy. Even though he wanted to downsize and buy a small place on a large plot of land so that he could retire in the near future, MIL wanted yet a bigger house. So, he went back to a job that he hated, works night weekends and holidays, all so he can provide the lifestyle that MIL wants.
Now, let me remind you, this is not my opinion, this was all told to me for the first time last night.
HT says she thinks she needs to go to counseling because of the issues she has with intimacy. At their home, if she ever honestly talked about how she felt, she became the "bad girl." Her mom is always telling her how rude and ungrateful she is.
HT talks about how, when MIL is in one of those moods, nobody says anything to her. They all just go to there rooms and "wait for it to pass."
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
So HT says that she has a really difficult time with intimacy, and she is always dating guys who, at best, don't value her - at worse, abuse her.
She has been in one detrimental relationship after another, and she just broke up with her boyfriend of two years.
Hm.
She talks about how her dad is really in a relationship like that, but his response is humor. He makes light of everything, including MIL's outbursts. This is his way of coping with her abuse.
Gosh.
And as I'm sitting and listening to this conversation, everything that B is and does makes so much more sense to me.
First of all, I really feel like he married into an abusive relationship.
When we first got married (and for the first two years) I was angry a lot, and I let him know it.
And I saw him shut me out. I watched it happen. I stood there and screamed and cried and threatened to leave, but all he did was shut me out further. I didn't understand it. It made me angry that he wasn't willing to fight for this relationship.
Finally, when he admitted that he had given up on us, I went the other extreme.
I suppressed everything. I didn't want him to know when I was upset because I thought he would shut me out even more.
But all this crap would build up until I couldn't hold it anymore, and then the shit would hit the fan when all those emotions came pouring out in ONE LONG screaming/yelling/crying 3-hour fight.
In each fight, I would threaten to kick him out or to make him sleep on the couch or to leave him and go to my mom's house.
Then we would get over it. He would shut me out even more. I would shut my mouth again. And the cycle would reset.
Finally, after recognizing this cycle, I went to counseling.
And I really feel like, since then, the cycle has broken. We have had 2 of "those" fights in the past year - where before, we were having them twice a month. Even then, the two that we did have were not as bad. There was no threatening or any junk like that.
I really felt like we were making progress. I still have lingering pain from that one particular conversation 2 years ago.
"I gave up on us." *sigh*
Then, during the conversation last night, it all began to make sense to me.
B really did marry into an abusive relationship. Nobody deserves to be talked to the way that I talked to B. Nobody. I'm sure it was emasculating for him.
But because he is so much like his dad, he would bite his tongue and bear it. He would even make jokes about it (which would just incur more of my wrath because I felt like he was belittling my feelings).
He didn't fight back because he was genuinely afraid that I would leave - not unlike his mom did on numerous occasions.
And he shut himself up and waited for the storm to pass.
It all makes so much sense.
I have always said, "That's just the way they do things in that family."
But now I feel like I understand why.
And it was also in the midst of this conversation that an overwhelming since of accomplishment pulsed through me.
In the past 12 months, B has become more outspoken. He argues with me when he thinks I'm wrong. He tells me if I've done something that bothers him.
I HATE it at the time because, lets face it, he's not the most tactful person in the world.
But the fact is that he feels comfortable enough with me and secure enough with my love that he can say what he thinks without fear of some huge explosion.
I really felt a since of accomplishment at that. Sure, we have our problems, but just the fact that he's not hiding from me anymore shows that we are getting better.
So, after B came home last night, I continued the conversation with him.
I said (in front of Heather - which was probably a mistake): "I used to be Psycho, wasn't I?"
B: "Sure."
Me: "But I went to counseling, and I feel like I've gotten a lot better, right?"
B: "Sure." (slightly sarcastic)
Me: "What? I have gotten better!"
B: "Ok"
Me: "You don't think so?"
B: "You still get testy a lot."
Testy? TESTY?!?! I HAVE BEEN BUSTING MY BUTT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY OVER THESE PAST TWO MONTHS, AND HE SAYS I'M TESTY?!?!?!
Ok, so I didn't respond like that because, lets face it, wouldn't that have been proving his point?
So I didn't say much the rest of the night, partially because I was so angry and partially because I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be angry.
So I kept my mouth shut.
I did, however, knee him really hard in the butt after we got in bed. I pretended like I was dreaming. hee hee.
Dang... I have got to go to my next class.
I feel a bit better just having all this out; so I think I'm gonna go.
I'll try to finish this later.