The BitterSweet Journey out of Egypt....
B emailed his resume' to South Korea yesterday.
They sounded very interested.
We are still waiting to hear if they are paying for the summer trip or not.
If they're not, the whole deal is off.
We think they are.
....
With each step in this process, the realization becomes greater to me.
I'm sure that as the weeks and months pass leading up to his trip, we will both go through several different phases of emotion.
And I have decided that I am not going to resist them. I am not going to be ashamed of them, no matter how they come across. I am going to work through them right here, at Diaryland.
So don't judge me. Don't tell me I'm wrong to feel the ways that I do. Because I'll tell everyone else that I'm fine with it and excited for him... which is all true... but I won't tell everyone else the OTHER side of those emotions. That side, I will reserve for this little bloggy.
This week in fellikerain's emotions:
I don't envy B or wish that he wouldn't go. I am genuinely excited for him as traveling has always been a dream of his. I am excited about what this means for our family, financially. I'm excited about what I know the Lord will do in and through both of us, individually and in our marriage.
And I even have a little sense of relief that we are getting a break from each other.
I love him. I really do.
But we need a chance to start over. We need to hit the reset button. Blank slate. Tabula rasa. We need to begin again.
The first four years of our marriage have been VERY difficult. I have been hormonal since day one. Moody. Grumpy. And steadily growing fatter.
That can make it very difficult for a new husband. I certainly have not brought out the best in him.
But even without all that, our path has been littered with the stress of school and financial losses.
It has been really hard.
And it's something that I don't talk about a lot... because I thought that's how my life would always bee. I really had come to a place of an uneasy, and probably bitter, acceptance that this was my plight.
But this little "break" has provided a light in the distance that gives me hope... hope that this dark tunnel is not my life... and that there might be a way out.
It's not that I think life will be a breeze when he returns.
But at least when he gets back, there is a possibility that my hormones will be in check, which also means I might be able to lose some weight.
We will also be out of debt. And ready to move into a house that won't need 234,784,208 repairs.
So, you can see why this whole trip fills me with so much hope. Hope that our lives can be better. Hope that the Lord will pay us back for the years that the Enemy has stolen.
But in the midst of all that hope and excitement, this week, I am grieving. A lot.
I am grieving because I have to leave my home.
B has said that I could stay here with CJ if I wanted to.
But we could rent this place out for $550/month. That's $6600 in one year. That's one of our student loans. And since the main reason B is going over there is to pay off our debt, it seems counter-productive for me to live here when I can live at my mom's house for free.
I am also realizing that I think the Lord would have me move in with my mom. In the dream, when I left the stage the first time, I went into the bathroom with my mom (when she talked about ghosts). It wasn't SS or any of my other friends. It was my mom. And as I pray about that, and about where I am supposed to live, I really feel like I am supposed to live at my mom's house.
I talked with her a little bit about it tonight. We both agreed that, if we decided to do this thing, there will have to be some household ground rules.... for all of our sakes.
So it this realization that has put me in temporary mourning this week. Mourning over the loss of my materialistic independence. This place has been my home. I have put, literally, blood, sweat, and tears into making it a home. I have decorated and redecorated. Painted, put in floors, hung pictures, planted grass, built shelves.
And it's not that I'm leaving this home for a new home. I'm leaving "my" home completely. Because the next home belongs to somebody else. I have will have no place to call my own.
I know this doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
I feel as if I can understand, in some small way, the way the Israelites may have felt when leaving Egypt.
They knew they were leaving for a Promised Land. They knew that, at the end of the journey, their Lord would come through and provide a permanent home where freedom reigned and where they would no longer be in bondage.
But they also knew that, in the meantime, they were leaving behind the only home that they knew, everything that was familiar to them. And they were to live in tents (temporary homes) until their arrival in the Promised Land.
My nomad days are limited to a year. Theirs were drawn out over forty years.
I guess that's how I'm feeling tonight. I know it is all for the best. I know that the Lord is wanting to remove us from our place of bondage and deliver us into a land of freedom - financially and emotionally.
But right now, I'm grieving over the loss of my home, of everything that is familiar. I know it is all for our blessing and His glory.
But I'm allowed to grieve tonight. For now.
Because this is my home. The place that I love.
And I'm leaving it.
To live with... my mom.
*sigh*
So that's where I'm at.
And that's it for tonight.