Day 1 Complete
Well... I'm going all right tonight.
Chloe is at the grandparents.
Hubby is in Korea.
It's really quiet around here.
And I think I'm okay with that tonight.
The Lord has really been walking me through the day, step-by-step. I feel him with me in the kitchen when I'm preparing the Easy Mac for Chloe. I feel him in the bathroom, as I'm fixing my hair. I even felt him in the bed with me this morning, before I even opened my eyes.
I decided not to do the complete juice fast.
I started it this morning and continued it through 2pm.
But the whole time, I was thinking, "What am I going to do on Father's Day when the whole family is eating? And what about Kid's Camp next week when all the kids and my family will be eating together in the dining hall? Am I supposed to just tell everyone I'm fasting? And will I have the energy to actually DO kids camp?"
I was so stressed about the whole thing, when I finally said, "Lord, what am I going to do?!"
Then he said, "Why are you fasting?"
And I said, "So that you will protect B and direct him while he's in Korea!"
And he said, "I'm doing that anyways."
And I felt foolish.
So, I stopped the fast and ate an entire bowl of home-made chocolate frosting.
Which leads me to my next fast... no sugar.
Artificial sweeteners are okay, but no sugar.
Because if I'm allowed to eat sugar then I will turn to chocolate EVERY TIME instead of turning to God.
So, in recognition of my TOTAL DEPENDENCE on God, and on nothing else, I am fasting sugar, starting tomorrow.
Yup. Yup. Yup.
I still may go liquid-only for a few meals here and there. But not for the entire 10 days straight through.
.....
I woke up this morning, reached over to touch B's arm (like I do every morning) and realized he was gone. My first thought was, "I never even heard him leave for work." Then the realization hit that he is gone.
At first, I felt a little lonely and sad. But almost immediately, I recognized that I had made it through an entire night on my own without any "panic" moments saying, "What was that sound?!"
I slept a grand total of 11 hours straight (more uninterrupted sleep than I ever get).
And as soon as that thought hit me, I felt the sweet comforting presence of the Lord.
He was so proud of me. And I was really grateful to Him.
As I was getting ready for bed last night, I was fighting fear. I was praying and quoting scripture. By the time I went to bed, everything was ok.
Tonight, I honestly feel a little bit drunk in His presence. Like I've had one too many glasses of wine (though I haven't had any). I feel relaxed and calm and completely at peace.
It's nice.
I could very easily go to "the bad place," but I can just as easily choose not to.
I'm so very grateful to the Lord.
So grateful.
I don't think I can really describe what I'm feeling.
I just know that I know that He's directing B where he's at and that He's here with me, leading me step-by-step.
I'm not sure what tomorrow will hold, but I know I'm at peace where I am right now.
And I suppose that's all that matters.