Overwhelming love...
I am overwhelmed tonight. And humbled.
The past three days have been days that, I'm sure, will change my life forever.
When leaving my house on Friday, my only intention was to have a relaxing weekend with my daughter, my best friend in the world, and her family.
But it has turned out to be so much more than that. So. much. more.
Last Wednesday night, during the last night of our church's Camp Meeting services (and the only service in which I was able to stay to the end), the preacher stopped dead in his preaching, looked right at me and said:
"Why are you taking that gift that the Lord gave you and putting it on the back burner?"
Then he began to pray for me.
Then he said, "The Lord is about to reveal to you the way He sees you. You will begin to see yourself the way God sees you!"
A little bit later, I was up at the alter getting ready to "catch" people who were being slain in the spirit, when the preacher made a bee line for me. He called Pastor B. over, anointed her hand with oil, and put her hand on my head.
As Nelle said, I "folded like a folding chair" and fell to the ground.
I couldn't get up for several minutes, and when I finally did stand, I was absolutely drunk.
I couldn't walk straight. The room was spinning. An usher had to help me back to my seat.
And the whole time I was on the ground, I heard the Lord saying, "I am birthing a worshiper in you."
The next day, nothing spectacular happened. There was no mighty wind from heaven or cloud of fire.
There was just one simple conversation.
I had gone to B&N with my friend S. We were both planning to purchase the book "The Shack," but for one reason or another we decided not to.
Still, I told her that I needed a good book to read at the beach when CJ is napping and such. She recommended one that she has told me about before. It's called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers.
"It's like a Christian romance novel. It's the story of Hosea set in the 1800's."
That had never sounded very interesting to me before, but somehow the thought of a mushy romantic "light read" was perfect for the beach.
So I stopped by her work on Friday morning and picked it up.
Saturday night, CJ and I arrived at the beach, and I cracked open the first page.
And then it began...
Ya'll, this ain't no sappy romance novel.
It is the story of God's unfailing love... undying love.... unconditional love for his bride. For me.
After that first night of reading, it was ALL I could think about the next day.
A group of us took a boat out to the island, rode around on golf carts, laughed a lot, and had tons of fun.
But I couldn't stop thinking about that stupid book.
And about God's love for me.
I tried not to think about it. I tried to just put it out of my mind for the day.
But I couldn't.
I found myself staring out over the ocean and thinking about the awesome, mighty, powerful love of God.
I almost started crying at the edge of the water (on the golf course), right there in front of everybody, when I thought about how much the ocean is like God's love. It's powerful and overwhelming and always changing yet constant as the sun.
(I probably would have broken down right there, had J not come over and said, "Can you imagine how many balls have been hit into this water?" Hee hee... that made me laugh out loud.)
I finished the book last night, and today... I am MESSED. UP.
I can't even describe it.
When I see the heat lightning in the night sky, I see the heartbeat of God. When I feel salty air breezes caress my cheek, I feel the gentle touch of my Husband. When I watch the waves come in and out and in and out, I see God's love... always changing, and always the same.
But I feel as if I am drowning in it.
Like it's too much.
I somehow want out.
Because in His love, there are no walls. There is no protection.
I'm naked.
Stripped and naked.
I feel His eyes probing my deepest thoughts, fears, and dreams. I can't hide them from His love.
And in all of it... I want SO BADLY to see myself the way He sees me. What does HE think about ME?
I've never even thought about it before this week.
I always assumed he saw me as this poor, depraved weakling, crippled before Him.
I know that sounds pitiful, but it's true. I am so in need of Him, so helpless without Him, how could He see me in any other way?
But then I read this book.
And this man, in obedience to God, married AND FELL IN LOVE WITH a whore! She was depraved and dirty and worthless. She had been used, and raped, and plundered.
She had nothing to give this man. This good, godly, righteous, pure man. She had nothing. Even her body, which was all she had to give anyone, was not enough for him.
But he didn't see her lack. He saw her beauty, her strength, her passion... and her fear. He saw everything that she was capable of... how much love she was capable of receiving... and giving. He saw how fear was holding her back from everything that her heart desired.He saw the things that she wouldn't even allow her heart to desire.
And he loved her. When she slapped him in the face and told him she would never love him, he loved her. When she played the harlot in his home, he loved her. When she ran away and returned to her old life, he loved her. When he brought her back, only to hear her promise she would leave again, he loved her.
When she cut her feet trying to cross the stream to run back to the whore house, he brought her home and washed her wounds... he. loved. her.
And now I sit here on my balcony, feeling so ridiculous about SOBBING over a stupid book.
But it's more than that. It's not the book.
It's Him. The One that won't stop pursuing me until He has every piece of me.
And I'm scared, ya'll.
I'm really scared.
Because it's too much.
Over the past three days, this love has exposed walls and calluses and pains that *I* didn't even know were there. He is ripping me apart.
I know this sounds so dramatic. I KNOW, ya'll, that this is a *bit* abnormal.
I know, and I keep telling myself, that it doesn't have to be this emotional.
But I'm broken tonight.
Because I am realizing that there are dreams I won't even allow my heart to consider.
There are things from my past that are precious to me... that define me.
There are places in my heart that NOBODY is allowed to touch.
And He is blazing through them all.
It makes me want to run and hide.
But where can I hide from His presence? Where can I flee from His love? If I go up to the Heavens, He is there. If I make my bed in the depths, He is there.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,for darkness is as light to you.
And I can't get away from it, ya'll. It's all I think about. When I go to sleep, when I wake up. When I'm in my car, or when I'm sitting on the beach. All I can think about is His love for me.
I'm overwhelmed.
And I'm scared.
I was okay the way things were going.
I was happy, content.
But this, this is is uncomfortable. This is not normal.
And the biggest problem? I don't know what to do about it.
I try to just rest in His presence and let it wash over me, but that just makes it worse.
I try not to think about it and go about my day normally, but it follows me wherever I go and finds its way into even my most mundane thoughts.
"Blood of my blood. Flesh of my flesh."
I am my Beloved's, and He is mine. His banner over me is Love.
I'm done, ya'll.
I thought writing all this out might help, but I think it's just worse.
God's love is so big, and so awesome... and so overwhelming.
Lord Jesus, help me not to run from it.
...........
The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.
O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints� and angels� song.
When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God�s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam�s race�
The saints� and angels� song.
Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.
- Lehmen